LOVE: The Final Episode

Entry originally written: Saturday, August 06, 2005

READ: EPISODE 1, EPISODE 2, EPISODE 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, before reading...

The Final Episode: Love & Life

So how do you tell the story of one of the most amazing people you have ever met, and one of the most heartbreaking moments of your life?

In Anger.
In Sadness.
In Happiness.
In Hope.
In God.

I’m angry because I put so much time and energy in a situation, and the end result was pain. I’m angry because while he made a decision to pull back from the relationship, I was sitting at home, hoping and praying one day it would be ok. I’m angry that all the beautiful things I love to hear him say to me, he says after we are no longer together. I’m angry that the promise he made to me about being there for me 100%, feels like a lie.

I’m sad that I will never get to see where this relationship could have been. I’m sad that I no longer have my best friend anymore. I’m sad that I will never get to experience that magical moment I always wanted from him. I’m sad that at times tears come from my eyes when I think about him.

I’m happy that I don’t have to be sad anymore. I’m happy that it didn’t end up worst then it could have been. I’m happy I got to be with him for as long as we were together. I’m happy that I have the memory of making him happy. I’m happy I didn’t lose myself, and that he can now be the person he wants to be.

I’m hopeful that this heartache will pass with time. I’m hopeful that he finds love. I’m hopeful that he will be far greater person then I knew him as. I am hopeful that I will find myself through the memories of this relationship.

I understand that GOD has already given me the strength to handle any pain, and that I just have to pray, and be open to withdrawing that energy within me. I understand that GOD has created relationships so that we can understand ourselves, and experience what GOD calls LOVE. What GOD calls LIFE. There is nothing greater then two people enhancing each other, enhancing love, and enhancing life together. I understand that we as humans create pain and suffering for ourselves, but if we look at a situation for what it is, we can take those experiences and create a positive side through our lost.

It was all worth it, even through my anger & sadness; I wouldn’t have changed my decision. Only when I let go of the pain, will I appreciate this experience more… but it takes time. I will always love him, and he will always have a special part of my spirit.

So life goes on, and I await the gifts the universe gives me, and I will give back love once again.

LOVE: Episode 5

Entry originally written: Saturday, August 06, 2005

READ: EPISODE 1, EPISODE 2, EPISODE 3, & Episode 4, before reading...

Episode 5: GONE

That week I took out all the things he ever got or made me. I am not a materialistic person, and I didn’t want him to think I was. It wasn’t about what he got me, but the experience. The moment. Something I could keep to take back with me, and feel so good about. I remembered one Valentine’s day we went out to a restaurant, and enjoyed each other’s company. I got him a stuffed bear (affectingly called Mr. Biscuit), and it had an army fatigue scarf around his head. I also made him a Valentine CD that had songs that reminded me of him, as well as poems I wrote and voiced as interludes. Later that night, we went to a park and sat him on the bench. I got down on one knee, and pulled out a ring.

I asked him: “Will you fall in love with me?”
He replied with a “Yes!” And we have been in love ever since… until now.

Now I sit on the floor looking at this picture of me lying on a blanket at the pier.

He drew it for me during one of our romantic afternoons in NYC.

I admire my Family Guy “Stewie” wallet he gave me for Christmas, which reminds me of the times he was there for me when people would steal money from me. I flip through the sketchbook he gave me, so that I could write & draw inspiring things inside. We shouldn’t live just breathing ever moment, but live for those moments that take our breath away. Since the day of our Anniversary, he hasn’t called me in a week. I didn’t see him that weekend. I got tired of feeling like I always had to call him to make the relationship right. I was unhappy. I have had 2 nightmares, back to back. I had one dream where he breaks up with me, and another where I broke up with him. I couldn’t sleep. I would sit in the park listening to Kelly Clarkson’s CD, and play “Behind these Hazel Eyes” At 5:30 in the morning.

I needed a resolution. I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I got tired of being unhappy. I would confide in my friends. Everyone told me to break up with him. Yet how do you break up with someone that you are so in love with? I called him at work and told him we needed to talk. He said he would call me later on that night, and he never called.

What is the problem? I’m pissed as hell. I called him the next day during my lunch break and asked him why he didn’t call me last night. He left his phone at work. More excuses. I was tired of them. I wanted to know why he wasn’t putting 100% into this relationship and me. We went back and forth on the phone. Blaming each other for everything. You don’t do this. Well you don’t do this. Well I don’t do this, because you don’t do this. I feel this way. Well I feel this way. Well I feel this way, because you feel this way. Nothing was getting resolved, we were both angry, hurt, and talking while both of us needed to work.

He called me that night.
He understood that he wasn’t putting 100% into the relationship, because he didn’t feel it in his heart. He wanted to be by himself, and was preoccupied with other things in his life. He didn’t want to tell me, because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. We decided that we couldn’t be with each other anymore. He said it didn’t have anything to do with me, but we could have easily made up, said he was sorry and moved on… but it would have went back the same way next week. He didn’t want to string me along. He has never had anyone but me, and never knew what it was like to be with other people. He now has a new apartment, a demanding career, and a new life he wants to focus on. As much as he loves me, he had to do this alone.

Alone. I can’t blame him. I had to let him go. But it hurts so much. I am relieved, yet sad. The love of my life is gone.

[the final episode. coming soon.]

LOVE: Episode 4

Entry originally written: Saturday, August 06, 2005 READ: EPISODE 1, EPISODE 2, & EPISODE 3 before reading...Episode 4:
Another Card?

After those words, the rest of the date just felt so faded, as if I wasn’t there, but I really wasn’t there. All I could remember was all the times he disappointed me in the past. I expressed my disappointment, but I don’t think he really understood how upset I really was. I love him so much, I was hoping and praying so badly that this one time he would come through… and he didn’t.

He got something from Old Navy; we got on the train, got lost, and finally ended up at the restaurant. All I could do was try and make the best of this situation. We talked over dinner about work, and played catch up. We even talked about what both of us wanted out of a relationship on the train ride home. We got to his house, and he opened up the present I gave him. He really enjoyed it. He then gave me a card.
Another card. I wanted to appreciate that card so much, but it was just a reminder of my disappointment that night. He told me he didn’t have time to get me something due to work, and he didn’t just want to get me something last minute and that he would get me something this weekend. Maybe I could give him a second chance. Honestly, I got tired of giving him second chances. You only get one night, one moment to make it magical. That night I feel asleep, we were not intimate. I got up that morning, and just wanted to leave. I got emotional, as I looked at him sleep. What had gone wrong with us? As I told him I was leaving, he gave me a hug and kiss. I left, and forgot the Anniversary card on the table. I would have never thought that would be the last time we would be together.[OH YES, there's MORE, to be continued...]

A Left Eye Moment

"I didn't struggle this far to have people tear me down. I came out of some **** where it was like, I didn't know what I was doing. I finally started looking at myself like I'm worth something, and it's because I've accomplished everything those people told me I wouldn't. The best way for me to get those people back is it come back out even harder."

-Lisa Left Eye Lopes

Sending Positive Energy to No4real4real

so that he makes a healthy recovery. Love you Man!

[Episode 4, Coming Soon!

You'll be like Trent Jackson saying, I can't take it!]

LOVE: Episode 3

Originally written Saturday, August 06, 2005

READ: EPISODE 1 & EPISODE 2 before reading...

Episode 3: Two years, Two Hearts

July 20, 2005.
Our Second Year Anniversary

I have never been with anyone for 2 years before, so I am very excited about this. I was the first boyfriend he has ever been with, and we both had sex for the first time together. We were there for each other’s college graduations; we both got our permits and driving licenses together. We even were there during the process of moving into our own apartments together. We decided to go out to dinner in “Little Italy” in Manhattan. We been talking for the past few days more frequent, and I was really excited to give him the gift I got for him. Honestly, I was really anticipating what he would get me, just the whole experience.

So all day at work, I was so excited. I had on a nice outfit, smelling good, and I haven’t seen him in like 2 weeks. I asked my boss if I could leave work a little earlier so I could meet him at 7:00pm in front of H&M on 34th Street. So I took the train over to NYC, and get there at 6:30. I had a big red bag with an “I love you” balloon connected to it. [smiles] So I’m standing on the corner just waiting, watching the people walk by. So 7:00 comes around, he isn’t here yet. I know how the subways are, so I’ll give him a few more minutes. I hate when people are late, but I don’t want to ruin the experience. His cell phone wasn’t working so I couldn’t find out when he would be here. Time goes by, and he gets there at 7:30.

So he walks up to me and says,” Why you got that big ol’ gay bag”, and starts laughing. Mind you readers, I’m already a little ticked that he was an hour late, and the first thing he says about my gift to him is that the bag looks “gay”.

Maybe I’m wrong, or too sensitive, but it wasn’t something I expected him to say. As usual, I just have to take it and move on. So he wants to go to Old Navy before we head to Dinner. Sure no problem. We have small talk and walk around the store looking at clothes. While walking around, I honestly felt like I was in another world. All I keep thinking about was, how this whole thing was going to turn out. Trying to remain excited, trying to feel everything was ok. I felt good seeing him though, and he looked a little sexier since last time I saw him. He is a very stylish guy, and I always loved that about him. I had decided to withhold from releasing any sexual energy (through masturbation) for a whole week so I could build up for tonight.

So he finds some flip-flops he wanted to buy, and starts to try them on, then he says: “You know I didn’t get your present right?”

[to be continued...]

LOVE: Episode 2

Originally written Saturday, August 06, 2005

READ: EPISODE 1 before reading...

Episode 2: Potentially Waiting

HIM: u okay?
ME: that’s a hard question to answer
HIM: please give me another chance
HIM: I promise you wont regret it
HIM: I am IN love with you
ME: wow
HIM: I’ll say it again
HIM: I am IN LOVE WITH SHAWN
HIM: I want to be with you
HIM: I know its very difficult right now being that it was my fault to begin with, but I miss you and I’m ready to be there 100%
HIM: just give me a chance to show you

This is what he said to me, a few months ago after our “break”. At the time, he wanted to “Take it Slow.” He needed time to see if this relationship is what he really wanted, if it was me he really needed? He said he would be there, 100%, but right now he is just giving me less then that. But we have been together for close to 2 years now. Our Anniversary is coming up; we can talk, you know, make things ok…

Yet I’m scared. Last year, during our anniversary, we enjoyed dinner and good conversation… but I was disappointed because he wasn’t able to give me a gift in exchange during dinner. He got me a beautiful card he made himself, and I treasure it. But I wanted the experience of being excited about opening a gift, and being even more excited about how thoughtful and meaningful a gift from him would be. I never got that experience. So as our anniversary comes again, I need that experience more then ever.

·Would he do something for me so magically

that would rekindle the love we have for one another?

·Or, would I be disappointed once again,

trying to gain a love that is no longer there?

[to be continued...]

LOVE: Episode 1

Entry originally written: Saturday, August 06, 2005

Episode 1: Where is your Heart?

“You don’t even try no more… why don’t you don’t care no more?”
- Keyshia Cole

He doesn’t know this, but at times, when I was upset or down about our relationship, I would lie in the same bed with him, headphones on, and listen to that song, over and over. At times, I would be in the bed, and want him to hold me so tight, kiss me on my neck, and make everything better. At times, I would want to wake up to him cooking me breakfast in bed. At times, I would just want to wake up to him just looking at me, just admiring my face when I wake, smiling. None of those times happened. I woke up to Keyshia Cole singing, “I just want it to be over.”

So how do you tell the story of one of the most amazing people you have ever met, and one of the most heartbreaking moments of your life? Most of life, all you can do is be honest. Nothing is ever black and white, and there are plenty of shades of gray. People are the same way. He is loving, thoughtful, & beautiful to me. Yet, recently he has been distant, irritable, and unappreciative. So the first thing is I ask is, what did I do wrong? Am I getting on his nerves? Does he find me attractive anymore?

He would call me everyday to calling me once a week, and only talk to me for a couple of minutes. We would see each other each weekend, from Friday to Sunday, to seeing each other once every other weekend. We would be so passionate during our sexual encounters, until it just became routine. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Maybe I wasn’t doing what he wanted me to do? Is it me, because if it is, tell me its me, and I will fix it. So I ask him… and he tells me it isn’t me. So then is it you?

You? You make me so happy. You would make me laugh; smile, and you are the most adorable thing I have ever seen. You’re my best friend. We share interests and careers together. You understand me. We have so much potential, and we are the closest fit to perfection. I know you want to be true to me. Your always there, you say you care. Yet I want to know where is your heart?

[to be continued...]

GASPING FOR AIR

Hey! How you doing? How your momma doing?
I'm back... Holla! I'm so excited to finally get to write again. I missed blogging so much. I took advantage of the Optimum Triple Play, so now I feel like a Triple Threat! I think I got this adult thing on lock.

I have been living alone for about 5 months now, and overall its been a great experience. I still have a loooooonnnnngggg way to go. The house is not fully finished yet, but its coming along. Honestly, I can't complain. I'll see if can get photos up soon.

Since I have been away, so many things have come across my mind.

Where do I stand with GOD? Am I a Christian? How am I suppose to express my love for GOD? How will I mature as an Adult with new responsibilities? Am I starting to feel old now? Am I getting bored with eating? Am I getting bored with same ol' hobbies? Am I getting bored with people? When will love have my back? Is love like a dog chasing its tail? Will I ever have mind blowing sex? Will I ever stop collecting action figures? Will someone make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich?

hopefully I'll have all these answers by the time I turn 30!

[check back tomorrow for my official post]

COMING SOON!

OCTOBER 20TH, 2005!
BE PREPARED!