FAMILY UN-TIED

FAMILY UNTIED: R2L: STEPFATHER, MOTHER, UNCLE, STEP BROTHER

Last Sunday, I had the pleasure of joining Fuzzy at his Family Picnic. I got to meet some of his Family, and even got to join in there annual Volleyball game. It was amazing to be around so many people that enjoy being with one another.

While in amist of all this joy, I was deeply saddened. While I love my Family, I tend to keep a distance from them. It shames me even more that I live walking distance from all my immediate family, and still don't connect with them on a very deeply emotional level. During all our Family events I make my rounds, and move to my own corner to tend to myself. Why?Why can't I become close to them? I wish I could enjoy and appreciate them, but something is holding me back...

I never had my Father in my life. I always acted like it didn't bother me, but it did. It does. He never could come through for me. He never did anything for me. I hardly know anything about him. What's interesting is, I do know that I have the same artistic skill as him, and I EVEN went to the same Arts High School as him. I saw his photo in an old yearbook, and he looked exactly like me at that age. I would love to get to know him, so that I can know myself... but I don't know how. I have no idea how to create a healthy relationship with him. The thought of contacting him brings fear and sadness, and I just run away from the idea. Every man my mother brought into my life was always very uncomfortable for me. None of them ever showed me the unconditional love a Father and Son can have. Even my stepfather never showed me the honor and respect a man deserved. How could you steal from your wife's son? While my Uncle was there, he was always into basketball. I didn't share that connection with him. My Adult male relationships never worked out for me! Is that the reason why I am gay?

MY FAVORITE LADIES: MOM MOM, MOTHER, & SISTER.

I am my MOM MOM's Taquan, lol. That is my middle name. She usually doesn't call me Shawn, she just calls me Taquan. I was my grandmother's favorite, I don't care what anyone says! It always seemed to me that she always invested in me growing into a very well-rounded man. She always stood up for me when my mother hesitated on me doing something. She always had my back, and supported me through EVERYTHING. She always came to my art shows, award ceremonies, ANYTHING! She is truly the backbone of the family.

My Mother and I were role dawgs! For a very long time, it was just me and her. I can't even put into words how much I love and treasure her. She is always on me, but she falls back and lets me do my thing. She was always the cool mom, wanting to be hip, it was funny! I can tell that she misses me now that I am out the house. I was the one who made her laugh and gave her joy when crazy things happened in the house. She always said, "don't leave me alone with these crazy people!" I can I say, she is the best Mom, I love her!

My Baby Sister! My sister is mentally delayed. She was born premature, and she has delayed motor skills, and she isn't able to talk. She is now 13 years old now. To me, she is my angel. I don't think about her disabilities, and admire all that she can do. She has a smile that can light up a room. She is very funny! She gives unconditional love to everyone. Even though she can't talk I know exactly what she is thinking. We have our sibling rivalries, play fight, I torture her just like any big brother would, but I also protect her with all my heart. She gives me comfort when I am with her. She has taught me so much about life you wouldn't even imagine.

FAMILY EVENT: Me drinking Lemonade and Mom Mom taking photos of family.

While I love my Mom Mom, Mother, & Sister, I am not close with anyone else in my family, like I am with them. My Stepfather, Stepbrother, my Uncle, & my cousins. I am not even that close to my brothers and sisters on my Father side, which upsets me as well. As I get older, I begin to feel like I will become like my father, just abandoning everyone I could be close to. I don't want to be like my father!

I'm scared to get close to them because they may find out who I really am. Will they be able to handle me being gay? How will I explain that to my younger cousins? I can't give advise about how to date girls. What if they ask why I don't have a girlfriend. It's just so much to deal with, and I apologize to my family, I'm just really dealing with so much.

I cried at the picnic, after listening to Kanye West's song Family Business. Fuzzy asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell him. I just couldn't. I just held it in. It is really embarrassing to me, and I don't even know where to start, or what to do. I try, and I get scared... and this is a really an issue that I truly don't know how to solve right away.

I guess it starts with realizing the problem. So here I am UN-TIEING the bondages that are keeping me from my family, the only thing I have to do is walk to them, and hopefully they will accept me for who I am.

[shawn]