[adult swim]

Tuesday, July 04, 2006



Last Sunday, I had the pleasure of joining Fuzzy at his Family Picnic. I got to meet some of his Family, and even got to join in there annual Volleyball game. It was amazing to be around so many people that enjoy being with one another.

While in amist of all this joy, I was deeply saddened. While I love my Family, I tend to keep a distance from them. It shames me even more that I live walking distance from all my immediate family, and still don't connect with them on a very deeply emotional level. During all our Family events I make my rounds, and move to my own corner to tend to myself. Why?Why can't I become close to them? I wish I could enjoy and appreciate them, but something is holding me back...

I never had my Father in my life. I always acted like it didn't bother me, but it did. It does. He never could come through for me. He never did anything for me. I hardly know anything about him. What's interesting is, I do know that I have the same artistic skill as him, and I EVEN went to the same Arts High School as him. I saw his photo in an old yearbook, and he looked exactly like me at that age. I would love to get to know him, so that I can know myself... but I don't know how. I have no idea how to create a healthy relationship with him. The thought of contacting him brings fear and sadness, and I just run away from the idea. Every man my mother brought into my life was always very uncomfortable for me. None of them ever showed me the unconditional love a Father and Son can have. Even my stepfather never showed me the honor and respect a man deserved. How could you steal from your wife's son? While my Uncle was there, he was always into basketball. I didn't share that connection with him. My Adult male relationships never worked out for me! Is that the reason why I am gay?


I am my MOM MOM's Taquan, lol. That is my middle name. She usually doesn't call me Shawn, she just calls me Taquan. I was my grandmother's favorite, I don't care what anyone says! It always seemed to me that she always invested in me growing into a very well-rounded man. She always stood up for me when my mother hesitated on me doing something. She always had my back, and supported me through EVERYTHING. She always came to my art shows, award ceremonies, ANYTHING! She is truly the backbone of the family.

My Mother and I were role dawgs! For a very long time, it was just me and her. I can't even put into words how much I love and treasure her. She is always on me, but she falls back and lets me do my thing. She was always the cool mom, wanting to be hip, it was funny! I can tell that she misses me now that I am out the house. I was the one who made her laugh and gave her joy when crazy things happened in the house. She always said, "don't leave me alone with these crazy people!" I can I say, she is the best Mom, I love her!

My Baby Sister! My sister is mentally delayed. She was born premature, and she has delayed motor skills, and she isn't able to talk. She is now 13 years old now. To me, she is my angel. I don't think about her disabilities, and admire all that she can do. She has a smile that can light up a room. She is very funny! She gives unconditional love to everyone. Even though she can't talk I know exactly what she is thinking. We have our sibling rivalries, play fight, I torture her just like any big brother would, but I also protect her with all my heart. She gives me comfort when I am with her. She has taught me so much about life you wouldn't even imagine.

FAMILY EVENT: Me drinking Lemonade and Mom Mom taking photos of family.

While I love my Mom Mom, Mother, & Sister, I am not close with anyone else in my family, like I am with them. My Stepfather, Stepbrother, my Uncle, & my cousins. I am not even that close to my brothers and sisters on my Father side, which upsets me as well. As I get older, I begin to feel like I will become like my father, just abandoning everyone I could be close to. I don't want to be like my father!

I'm scared to get close to them because they may find out who I really am. Will they be able to handle me being gay? How will I explain that to my younger cousins? I can't give advise about how to date girls. What if they ask why I don't have a girlfriend. It's just so much to deal with, and I apologize to my family, I'm just really dealing with so much.

I cried at the picnic, after listening to Kanye West's song Family Business. Fuzzy asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell him. I just couldn't. I just held it in. It is really embarrassing to me, and I don't even know where to start, or what to do. I try, and I get scared... and this is a really an issue that I truly don't know how to solve right away.

I guess it starts with realizing the problem. So here I am UN-TIEING the bondages that are keeping me from my family, the only thing I have to do is walk to them, and hopefully they will accept me for who I am.


  • Ok..... That was A LOT of deep, personnal, touching stuff. Thx for sharing that much man, i'm really proud of you for being the incredible man you are even though life has been hard on you.

    I feel you on the family connections, and being close to only a few of them. That's how it is in my family, i'm close to about 5 people out of about 63 ( yes we're a big family)...

    So many questions, man... my only advice to you would be : don't try to force things to become "perfect" in your family. Just be open to changes and let things come naturally !

    By Blogger Soldier, at 11:45 PM  

  • Co signing on not forcing anything...

    That was a lot to read and I wasn't ready for that this morning.

    But the best way to start relationships starts with one word.


    All you can do is make an attempt at getting to know your family better. All you can do is try babe. Even if it does not go well, you stepped up and tried which counts.

    By Blogger Ladynay, at 5:27 AM  

  • We build the families we want to have. Sometimes there is a biological connection. Sometimes... not so much.

    The father issue is always monumental. I met my biological father when I was 25, but at that time he still didn't believe he was the daddy. In 2002 he started looking for me. He left a message with my mother for me to call him. I refused. A few months later he was dead. I was unphased. I did get to meet a lot of family that I didn't know I had. A lot of them promised to connect. They didn't. I'm unphased. I always thought I wanted a relationship with my father, but all I wanted was to be recognized. I think he came looking for me in order to be forgiven. He may not know it, but I forgave him years ago. Your father may also want forgiveness, maybe not. But forgive him anyway. I've learned there are three sides to EVERY story... his... hers... and the truth. It's not that he or she is lying, but we all PERCEIVE things differently.

    What's past is done! If you seriously want to know your father, reach out to him. Don't wait for him to reach out to you. Be very clear on what you want from the relationship and let him know what you want. He may not want the same things, but work out a compromise. If it's no more than to meet for coffee once a year. He can answer a lot of questions for you, but he can't tell you why you're gay unless he is a geneticist...


    However, you may discover a bunch of gay relatives on that side of the family.

    I will ask you to be careful. People will take advantage of you and your good nature... even family. Be very clear that you don't owe these people anything but the chance to know you. If they don't take it. Don't make it mean anything about you. You are a beautiful, wonderful person and I'm so glad that you're a part of my family.

    By Blogger Rodney, at 5:41 AM  

  • this was very moving... i think alot of us distance ourselves a bit from our family at certain times...and moreso probably for those of us that are gay. as far as acheiving a better relationship with your father...i would suggest you start by writing a letter. it wouldn't hurt....

    and GOTDAMN you look like your moms!

    By Blogger kool, at 6:38 AM  

  • Shawn this was by far your best post...I am actually speechless right now.

    I am insanely the 14th of 14 children (a combination of my mom and dad's other kids) and I try to share as much of me with them as possible...within reason, it comes in time. It seems as though you may want a relationship but are afraid of possible rejection..well there is only one way to really find out right...let your family know you, you being gay is such a small part of who you are..but they wouldnt know that unless you gave them a chance to.

    By Blogger antneya, at 7:09 AM  

  • P.S. These topics are part of my movie The Ties That Bind...you should get it..lol

    By Blogger antneya, at 7:10 AM  

  • awww... this blog almost brought a tear to my eye. I can relate on so many levels man.

    By Blogger Double 'A' Ron, at 8:21 AM  

  • I was not expecting all of this this morning.

    My advice is that you at least trya nd connect with your father and other family members. If it does not go well, you can at least say that you tured. You dont want to live your life saying that you wish you could have at tried to make that connection with them.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:06 AM  

  • If you decide to reconcile family relationships and they do not accept you, you can rest easy that you made yourself available. I wish you the best in your endeavours.

    On a lighter note: Shawn, you and your mom look just a like. It is like seeing you in good drag. LOL

    By Blogger Ty, at 9:44 AM  

  • Could someone be gay because of failed relationships with Fathers and other males in the family?

    I think there is a strong tie here.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:45 AM  

  • really felt like letting loose, eh? I'm the same way my brotha. While I feel for you and you going through this emotional trauma, i believe it best for your spirit and sanity to reach out. Even though we've never officially met, you give the vibe of a very amazing guy. Any family should be proud to have you in their midst.

    Now, when it comes to laying it all out there for family, I'd advise you to utilize the strength and support of your allies within the family. You will need them if things go not so well. Also, be open and honest about yourself, and be ready to be candid if the situation calls for it. When I came out (VERY RECENTLY) to my teenage nephew, he wanted to know what 'being gay' really meant so I had to school him.

    I'm not sure where you are spiritually, but you might want to pray on this. When you finally decide to crack open this closet door, you may need His help. Prayer also help clear your head of all the doubt and anxiety as well. just a suggestion.

    Shawn, keep in mind that although you may not be tight with all of your biological family, you have a host of others out there that love and care for you just as much as family would. You are by no means incomplete in the "who loves me?" department. Remember that, and do what you gotta do. We got you.

    By Blogger dancehard, at 10:01 AM  

  • Just to reiterate... the absence of your father or other male role models in your life have nothing to do with your sexuality. There is no "stong tie."

    Antneya was so right about the fear of rejection. It's real, but that's because if rejected, we think it's because of something we did. DON"T MAKE IT MEAN ANYTHING ABOUT YOU!!!

    By Blogger Rodney, at 10:04 AM  

  • Shawn,
    I definately understand the issue that you convey. What is good is that you have recognized that there is a strain in your relationships that may come from your fears.

    A wise proverb says:"Beneath our phony facade of invicible masculinity, all men are fragile and finite creatures controled by the fear of the unknown."

    In this case, you present the unknown, and the relationship you desire is unknown, what is it's underlining factor, YOUR FEAR.

    You can never know what is behind a door, unless you knock and it's opened.

    Here you are creating a wall, but there is really a transparent door.

    I think the men in your family would rather not speak to you in your fears than to hurt your pride. So, it is definately up to you to make a move towards reconciliation.

    I had the same issue, when I found out I was POSITIVE. Could you imagine telling your Fathers and only brother that you have an infectious disease?

    I allowed it to cut me off from my family. The only thing that brought me back was my understanding of chance. What were the odds that they were just as concerned for me, and didn't show it...

    Long story short... If it hurts you that much and you need clarity...




    By Blogger The Divo, at 6:07 AM  

  • My Shawn I love you so much and i am really crying like a big punk over here.

    Don't let fear run ya life, babe. That abundance of brilliant energy you radiate is far too precious to be drained by something like fear. Make your move further in your adult swim. Just take it stroke by stroke. It's not a race...only a journey. Don't worry, I'll be there if you feel you might drown.

    By Blogger Omar Ramon, at 7:49 AM  

  • I really feel you on this like most of the others...I distanced myself alot from my family for awhile until I realized they have been around me all my life...they know who I am and they still love me as such...thats why they ask my opinion on their new shoes and bags...lol

    By Blogger Valentino, at 8:15 AM  

  • Brother Shawn,

    I definitely feel you on this post. There was definitely a time when I distanced myself with my family. I think by you acknowledging the distanced puts you in a position of doing something to improve your situation.

    i'm hear for you!

    By Blogger Unconquerable Soul, at 8:55 AM  

  • That is so much for one person to carry. I hope that you are able to find your way...

    By Blogger LUVIN ME, at 10:21 AM  

  • I may be the last one that should be giving advice about father son relationships, but I feel like "hi" would be the perfect starter. If something verbal is too much that a letter that someone mentioned can get out alot of emotions.

    Let the record show that I knew you wasn't telling me something... dont know why you thought you could hide it from me!

    By Blogger fuzzy, at 10:50 AM  

  • Damn you look like your momma

    By Blogger lj, at 12:24 PM  

  • Great post! This was deep..

    By Blogger mytruth, at 7:22 PM  

  • I find some information here.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:07 AM  

  • That was really touching. Having met your sister, she is adorable and I can see why you could always be so mild mannered. I pray that you can get as close to your family as one can get. I have two song for you, Your ssong by Brain McKnight and for your spiritual side Your name I give the praise by Edwin Hawkins. Thanks for touching me and my life with this post.

    I luv you,

    Dapper D.

    By Blogger Dapper D, at 3:27 PM  

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