[adult swim]

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Under Construction: Chapter 1

Tuesday (6.7.05): The House, The Road, The Full Moon.
Those are the first cards that showed up during a fortune card reading I had a few months back.
It means "Moving to a new address will change your lifestyle." It was then that I knew that moving into my new apartment was very important for me and my growth as an "adult". The cards also showed The House, The Whip, & The Clouds... which meant "The house will bring problems, think clearly."

After helping my boyfriend move into his apartment, I started feeling that the renovation of my home was going way to slow, and my depression needed to be relieved. So I packed up a few essentials and decided to move into my apartment for a week so that the painting would go a little faster. I got my tv, my VCR, and a few clothes, and lied a blanket on the floor, and made camp. It felt weird, yet it felt good. I had little, but felt like I had everything to look forward to.

Wednesday (6.8.05): The Morning after, Beautiful.
So I get up, feeling good, and started getting dress for work... Then I realized that I didn't' have an iron. I didn't have time to go back to my mom's house, and I couldn't be late. I put my shirt in the shower to steamed it up a little, but it didn't work much. So I had no choice but to go wrinklefied! I know, I know... I NEVER go out the house wrinkled, so I felt so bad... but I had to tough it out.

So I get to the bus stop, and this African-esque woman with wrapped-up golden brown dreds, thickness to her hips, and an ass to match looks at me and says: "So why are you so wrinkled, no iron?" Ohh that was so embarrassing! I told her I just moved into my apartment, and was going to get one after work, and she just looked at me funny, and got on the bus. This woman really told me th truth, but her "TRUTH-WRATH" didn't end there. While on the bus, she yells to this one woman, "You look beautiful today, black women are beautiful. Everybody, look at her ass, its beautiful!"

She says to another lady,"Look at you, you should be a model. If I was in charge of the beautiful industry, you would be on Essence... even Ebony."

Then another, "Hey Darkskin girl, are you sad? Don't be sad you have beautiful skin. And you thought you was ugly? Oh no, that's African skin is beautiful!"

"Oh no, look at the black woman with the light skin, oh your considered far more beautiful with your Yankee hair. Everyone wants you as there girlfriend. Your Number 1 on the beautiful list... well actually your Number 2, the White woman is Number 1, sorry."

"Hey you? Do you want to be fat like me? In a few years, that weight will come. Stay skinny and thin as you are. Your beautiful!"

Most people laughed, others were annoyed. She wasn't really harassing anyone, but why all the beautiful compliments? I guess she was just saying what everyone else really thinks. I got an iron right after work, just in case she called me out the next day.

Fast Forward to Saturday (6.11.05) Feeling Alone.
So my boyfriend was going to come over and help me paint. I have been trying to get him to come for the longest, so I was really excited that he agreed to come. The only thing was, I had to work late that day, and I wasn't going to be home in time for him to be there. So I cancelled it. I was sad that night, because I really wanted to enjoy his company, but I did go home painted a little, and later that night went with my friend "J" to see some strippers at a bar. It was cool, nothing to complain about. After it was over, "J" picked some guy up, and we drove him back to his house in Brooklyn. It was like 6:00 in the morning, and he had to been up in his apartment for about an hour. I was knocked out sleep in the car, so I didn't care. I just didn't want to be in the house alone. That Sunday, I ended up going back up to Brooklyn to see my boyfriend. I slept most of the day, and just headed for work that morning. It felt good to be with him.

Monday (6.12.05) Good Man.
My boyfriend just got a new job at a major company, and I was really excited for him, because he deserved it. I asked him since he didn't come last Saturday to paint, would he come over this Saturday. He didn't really know for sure, and I started feeling upset again. There have been a few times he wasn't able to help me, and I just didn't want to feel let down again. I have helped him move many times, and just wanted to feel like he was there when I needed him as well. I hate feeling like I'm grinding teeth to make someone do something for me, especially someone that I love, so I really felt that he was just trying to brush me off. I was also feeling like couldn't handle living alone. That started effecting me as well. What if I couldn't handle the responsibilities of being an adult? Was my job paying enough? Could I handle the bills and rent? It was just a lot going on, then some guy come up to me and asked me for 50 cents. I gave it to him, and he looked at me and said: "You are a really good man, I can tell that from you." Now what does this guy know about me? But there have been many other times that strangers have said interesting things to me in a time when I felt turmoil. I always felt they were Angels sending my communications from GOD, that everything will be ok. I did feel better, and I got on the bus to go home.

Tuesday(6.13.05) I WANT MY DAMN PLAY STATION!:
So I go home to get a few more clothes for the rest of the week. I'm talking to my mom, and she was asking me about how the painting was going, and how I felt living in the house. I love my mom, she really helps me out. So I'm in my room, and start getting some clothes ready, and I look over to my table, and realized that my Playstation2 wasn't there. Nor was my games. So I ask my mom, did she know where it was... she asks her husband. No one knows where it is. Now... just to let you guys know... there have been COUNTLESS of times where money or items have been missing out of my room, and one time my stepfather admitted to taking money from me (A LOT OF MONEY AT THAT), so I already don't trust his azz. At first I thought I was just misplacing the money, but one time I left $80 dollars in a specific place in my room, and lord and behold, someone took it. So I already knew that we had a theft in the house. So when I saw that my playstation2 was gone, I WENT CRAZY! How DARE you continue to take things from me. I am already struggling to get my shit together, and for you to take my Playstation2, with the box, and two of my games, I'M NOT HAVING IT! FUCK YOU! I WANT MY DAMN PLAYSTATION, AND I'M MOVING OUT THIS DAMN HOUSE FOR GOOD! I stormed out the house, hurt like crazy. Why would my own family do this to me?

Wednesday (6.14.05) PEACE OF MIND.
I feel like my family betrayed me. Why continue to take stuff from me? Why wouldn't my mother do anything? Now that I was moving out for good, I had to start paying rent. On top of spilling out money to renovate and get furniture for the house! Now it was really starting to feel like I was losing control. After work, my boss invited me to his house for dinner. We had a good time, and he actually showed me these coffee and end tables he wanted to give me. They looked great, and thanked him, because I sure as hell needed them. Even though I had a good time, I felt alone I had no peace of mind. I ended up crying myself to sleep.

Thursday (6.15.05) BACK TO THE HOUSE.
So I got back to my Mom's house to pick up some stuff, and nobody wanted to talk to me. It felt so cold. I didn't care, I just wanted to get as much shit out of that house before I didn't have anything left. My step brother helped me carry a few things around the corner to my new place, so I was happy about that. Would it always be like this with my family? Was all the love gone? Was I truly by myself?

Friday (6.16.05) I'LL BE OK.
I called my boyfriend yesterday to see if he was still coming on Saturday. I haven't spoken to him all week, so he only briefly knew what was going on in my life. He still didn't know if he would be able come, and I was trying my hardest not to be upset. I had asked him did he see the "Batman Begins" movie, he said no, and thought maybe it would be a good idea for us to see it sometime this weekend. I called him later that night, and his phone was dead. I was worried, was he going to try and skip out on tomorrow? I was really trying to be optimistic, but with everything going on, I just started questioning my relationship with him. I just didn't want him to disappoint me again. To get my mind of of things, I started to finish up painting the living room. The was playing Micheal Jackson all night on one radio station, and I was getting down. It was then, that I felt that everything was going to be ok.

Saturday (6.17.05) MOMENT OF TRUTH.
So I woke up and watched Saturday morning cartoons. It felt good. I wanted to get a bowl of cereal, or make some pancakes, since that's what I used to eat when I watched my cartoons when I was younger... but I didn't have a fridge yet, nor did the stove work at the time. So... donuts was good enough for me. I went to the store to get some upholstery cleaner for the coach, love seat, and chair in the living room. It was pretty old set my Uncle gave me, but I was going to put slipcovers over them for now (Since I can't afford that coach at IKEA). So I'm cleaning, and calling my boyfriend like every hour. Still no answer. I was praying that he wouldn't disappoint me. It wasn't until 3 in the afternoon that I got an answer from him. He was sleep all day, so I asked him was he going to come up... he said he would, but was very annoyed about coming. I just felt really upset, and was trying to be calm and patient with him. He kept saying he just wanted to stay in the house and relax, and didn't want to really come, but that he would, but nothing he was saying was making me feel any better. THEN... I asked him if he wanted to see "Batman" after we finish painting. He said he didn't want to see the movie, and besides he had already seen it. I JUST BROKE DOWN AFTER THAT! I was just sick and tired of trying to be strong and patient, and continue getting the low end of the stick. I was tired of being alone. I was tired of people not helping me. I was tired of people stealing from me. I was tired! So me and him went back and fourth, in the end, he apologized, we talked about our feelings, and everything was ok. He ended up coming up to see me, and he gave me a HUG HUG! I needed that so badly. On top of that, my mom came by and gave me some lunch meat. She saw the apartment, and assured me everything would be ok. I was stressing about bills, so I was on the phone with "J", and me and him worked out my budget, and it seems like I will be able to afford everything. Overall, I'm ok, I'm strong, and I'm trying... all I know is that I am happy I am in my own space.

[thanks to everyone for being patient for me, I appreciate you guys a lot.]

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Under Construction: Prelude

Depressed. Lonely. Feeling Incomplete.
Like Keyshia Cole says, "I just want it to be over!" My whole mental is fucked up, and I need to be out of here. NOW! Why am I down? Because! I don't have what I really need right now. I'm not pushing forward the goals and aspirations I'm holding deep down inside me. I'm procrastinating the one thing that will bring me sanity. I can't function. I can't concenrate. I feel lost. So I'm leaving. I am packing up my things, and getting the hell out of here. I'm only bringing some essentials, and ruffing it out the rest of the way. I will be back, and with me I will bring peace of mind, and stories in hand. Don't abandon me. Don't leave me astray. Pray for me, and look for me... as I go Under Construction.

To be continued on Sunday, June 19th...

[be ready]

Wednesday, June 01, 2005


Ladies & Gentlemen (and queers), meet the one and only "Gay Wendy Williams" of the Blog world, TRENT JACKSON! He is a writer and author of At This Moment. His persona is spontaneous & outspoken, yet he's really intelligent, courageous, and heartfelt. He gets down to it, and doesn't hold back. He very open in expressing his own life, as well as interviewing others and exposing them even more. In his own words, He's FAT and loving it, and all you skinny bitches can kiss where? Down there! You got to love the confidence!

He's not only TRENT JACKSON, but he's starting to become a cool friend of mine. I got the opportunity to chat a bit with him, that lasted a little longer then we both anticipated. We talked about Life & Love. Shared our experiences about God and Religion. We even talked about our fascination of the male genital. Our conversation was XTRA LARGE, and in charge, and it was a pleasure...

Check out my interview by


I just want to give a thanks to the many bloggers that continue to check me out, show love and appreciation about towards lil' ol' me. Special thanks to my boyfriend and best friend for just being in my life, and living it with me. Thanks to Larry Lyons, SoulfulAries, bruthafree, Trent Jackson, No4real4real, Valentino-of-CT, Basquiat_In_Brooklyn, Systa Soul, SmilingOnThaDL, coley, will, Lyricalthoughts, Holiday N, The Divo, Blogger#031905, prodigalsun, mytruth, The Simple Boy, scott, tamrock, Don Tate II, Edwige, Shana, Dirk, amnesiasparkles19, starfoxx15, anit, rockonlock, Dayrell, Lawda, Danja, courtney eliza, so so so so so many others!

[if your name isn't listed here, that means you haven't been to my blog lately... what the fuck is wrong with you? i still luv ya though]

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