[adult swim]

Thursday, October 20, 2005

LOVE: Episode 1

Entry originally written: Saturday, August 06, 2005

Episode 1: Where is your Heart?

“You don’t even try no more… why don’t you don’t care no more?”
- Keyshia Cole

He doesn’t know this, but at times, when I was upset or down about our relationship, I would lie in the same bed with him, headphones on, and listen to that song, over and over. At times, I would be in the bed, and want him to hold me so tight, kiss me on my neck, and make everything better. At times, I would want to wake up to him cooking me breakfast in bed. At times, I would just want to wake up to him just looking at me, just admiring my face when I wake, smiling. None of those times happened. I woke up to Keyshia Cole singing, “I just want it to be over.”

So how do you tell the story of one of the most amazing people you have ever met, and one of the most heartbreaking moments of your life? Most of life, all you can do is be honest. Nothing is ever black and white, and there are plenty of shades of gray. People are the same way. He is loving, thoughtful, & beautiful to me. Yet, recently he has been distant, irritable, and unappreciative. So the first thing is I ask is, what did I do wrong? Am I getting on his nerves? Does he find me attractive anymore?

He would call me everyday to calling me once a week, and only talk to me for a couple of minutes. We would see each other each weekend, from Friday to Sunday, to seeing each other once every other weekend. We would be so passionate during our sexual encounters, until it just became routine. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Maybe I wasn’t doing what he wanted me to do? Is it me, because if it is, tell me its me, and I will fix it. So I ask him… and he tells me it isn’t me. So then is it you?

You? You make me so happy. You would make me laugh; smile, and you are the most adorable thing I have ever seen. You’re my best friend. We share interests and careers together. You understand me. We have so much potential, and we are the closest fit to perfection. I know you want to be true to me. Your always there, you say you care. Yet I want to know where is your heart?
[to be continued...]


  • My goodness, you have it bad for him, and you know I wish you the very best. Just keep being you, if its not you that is the problem. Keep up!

    By Blogger KneeDeep, at 7:00 PM  

  • I can't!

    You Shawn have told the stories of so many of us, I don't think I could have articulated the story any better. I think I was just a regular homo and let Janet sing me to sleep so many of nights...

    It's been an entire year almost to the date that I've been single, and I am not fully over that one yet...I know that stage of questioning, trying to make everything work, wanting it to be perfect-and it never comes.

    The only thing you can do is to let go and know who you are as a person. The only thing that can save you is to know what part you played in the relationship-the good things. Don't waste time thinking shoulda, woulda, coulda...but think about how you did the best that you could in the moment and there is nothing you can do to get that back.

    We all go through it. Before you know it, you'll be exploring a new trench in which you can makeup for all the things that you think you didn't do right with the first one.

    By Blogger Trent Jackson, at 8:46 PM  

  • My brother Shawn, you better preach. I love the comeback post!

    I share this story with you! Can't go into details, but damn, I totally feel where you were when you wrote this post.

    I'm sure the next post will highlight your new feelings now!

    You go boy!

    By Blogger Unconquerable Soul, at 6:24 AM  

  • I'm happy to see that you are back and posting away! It's unfortunate that one of your first posts is about something we've all encountered in our lives. I don't know what advice I can offer - if any. But I agree with kneedeep - just remain true to yourself. That's all you can do. You can't worry over something that is not of your control.

    By Blogger Systa Soul, at 9:01 AM  

  • Loving the new look...I must give love to my designers at mind. graphic designers..we doin the damn thing! Realationships are starving...love is starving. It needs nourishment, so just give it a piece of your mind. -nailij

    By Blogger Liber8Lyph, at 10:17 PM  

  • I made an entry on my blog similar to this one two days ago. It's all about "What Do You Want". I think we're on the same path.

    By Blogger Tim, at 6:41 AM  

  • Damn ( as I wipe tears from my eyes) I definitely feel you with this...speak on it..

    By Blogger Valentino, at 7:57 PM  

  • Yeah you've told my story too. Why does it start out so strong...meaning the conversations and the sex...but then it fades to nothing? On to the next episode.

    By Blogger E, at 5:41 AM  

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    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:16 AM  

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