LOVE: Episode 1

Entry originally written: Saturday, August 06, 2005

Episode 1: Where is your Heart?

“You don’t even try no more… why don’t you don’t care no more?”
- Keyshia Cole

He doesn’t know this, but at times, when I was upset or down about our relationship, I would lie in the same bed with him, headphones on, and listen to that song, over and over. At times, I would be in the bed, and want him to hold me so tight, kiss me on my neck, and make everything better. At times, I would want to wake up to him cooking me breakfast in bed. At times, I would just want to wake up to him just looking at me, just admiring my face when I wake, smiling. None of those times happened. I woke up to Keyshia Cole singing, “I just want it to be over.”

So how do you tell the story of one of the most amazing people you have ever met, and one of the most heartbreaking moments of your life? Most of life, all you can do is be honest. Nothing is ever black and white, and there are plenty of shades of gray. People are the same way. He is loving, thoughtful, & beautiful to me. Yet, recently he has been distant, irritable, and unappreciative. So the first thing is I ask is, what did I do wrong? Am I getting on his nerves? Does he find me attractive anymore?

He would call me everyday to calling me once a week, and only talk to me for a couple of minutes. We would see each other each weekend, from Friday to Sunday, to seeing each other once every other weekend. We would be so passionate during our sexual encounters, until it just became routine. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Maybe I wasn’t doing what he wanted me to do? Is it me, because if it is, tell me its me, and I will fix it. So I ask him… and he tells me it isn’t me. So then is it you?

You? You make me so happy. You would make me laugh; smile, and you are the most adorable thing I have ever seen. You’re my best friend. We share interests and careers together. You understand me. We have so much potential, and we are the closest fit to perfection. I know you want to be true to me. Your always there, you say you care. Yet I want to know where is your heart?

[to be continued...]