LOVE: Episode 5

Entry originally written: Saturday, August 06, 2005

READ: EPISODE 1, EPISODE 2, EPISODE 3, & Episode 4, before reading...

Episode 5: GONE

That week I took out all the things he ever got or made me. I am not a materialistic person, and I didn’t want him to think I was. It wasn’t about what he got me, but the experience. The moment. Something I could keep to take back with me, and feel so good about. I remembered one Valentine’s day we went out to a restaurant, and enjoyed each other’s company. I got him a stuffed bear (affectingly called Mr. Biscuit), and it had an army fatigue scarf around his head. I also made him a Valentine CD that had songs that reminded me of him, as well as poems I wrote and voiced as interludes. Later that night, we went to a park and sat him on the bench. I got down on one knee, and pulled out a ring.

I asked him: “Will you fall in love with me?”
He replied with a “Yes!” And we have been in love ever since… until now.

Now I sit on the floor looking at this picture of me lying on a blanket at the pier.

He drew it for me during one of our romantic afternoons in NYC.

I admire my Family Guy “Stewie” wallet he gave me for Christmas, which reminds me of the times he was there for me when people would steal money from me. I flip through the sketchbook he gave me, so that I could write & draw inspiring things inside. We shouldn’t live just breathing ever moment, but live for those moments that take our breath away. Since the day of our Anniversary, he hasn’t called me in a week. I didn’t see him that weekend. I got tired of feeling like I always had to call him to make the relationship right. I was unhappy. I have had 2 nightmares, back to back. I had one dream where he breaks up with me, and another where I broke up with him. I couldn’t sleep. I would sit in the park listening to Kelly Clarkson’s CD, and play “Behind these Hazel Eyes” At 5:30 in the morning.

I needed a resolution. I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I got tired of being unhappy. I would confide in my friends. Everyone told me to break up with him. Yet how do you break up with someone that you are so in love with? I called him at work and told him we needed to talk. He said he would call me later on that night, and he never called.

What is the problem? I’m pissed as hell. I called him the next day during my lunch break and asked him why he didn’t call me last night. He left his phone at work. More excuses. I was tired of them. I wanted to know why he wasn’t putting 100% into this relationship and me. We went back and forth on the phone. Blaming each other for everything. You don’t do this. Well you don’t do this. Well I don’t do this, because you don’t do this. I feel this way. Well I feel this way. Well I feel this way, because you feel this way. Nothing was getting resolved, we were both angry, hurt, and talking while both of us needed to work.

He called me that night.
He understood that he wasn’t putting 100% into the relationship, because he didn’t feel it in his heart. He wanted to be by himself, and was preoccupied with other things in his life. He didn’t want to tell me, because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. We decided that we couldn’t be with each other anymore. He said it didn’t have anything to do with me, but we could have easily made up, said he was sorry and moved on… but it would have went back the same way next week. He didn’t want to string me along. He has never had anyone but me, and never knew what it was like to be with other people. He now has a new apartment, a demanding career, and a new life he wants to focus on. As much as he loves me, he had to do this alone.

Alone. I can’t blame him. I had to let him go. But it hurts so much. I am relieved, yet sad. The love of my life is gone.

[the final episode. coming soon.]