[adult swim]

Saturday, January 07, 2006



Could you be born with it,
or acquire it in your teens?
An ongoing struggle, to know what it means.

We have the power,
the thoughts in our minds,
yet considered a crime, to unleash the tide.

What are we destined to be?

Freaks of nature, wanting Flee?
Or a New evolution to reign supreme?

We are forced to lie to hide our lives,
accept the whispers, and stares from the eyes... and we cry...

When are parents don't understand,
It wasn't part of the master plan.

Day by Day, we learn to control,
The X Factor engulfed in our souls!

[see the power in YOU!]



  • I was 16 when I had my first sexual experience with a guy.

    I was...

    & Protected.

    Then Fear kicked in. Fear of the unknown, Fear of what people would say. Fear of Acceptance.

    For many years I would enjoy this new sensation without bringing it to mind, as if it didn't exist outside of the bedroom.

    I always said, I wasn't gay because I only had sex with "One" man. Then the "second" man came, so I then I knew I was gay. LOL. But I denied it, and covered it up with Bi-sexuality.

    It wasn't until I sought out a gay community that I felt comfortable with myself.

    Then the fear of how I would fit in this "gay lifestyle" came into play. Did I have to Vogue and switch? Did I have to act overly masculine to hide it from people? How would I dress? How would I talk? Should I go to the Village? Should I go to the club? Should I keep it on the low?

    My sexual attraction and wanting to be loved by a man grew. It was very hard at first to see the distinction of what is Love, and what is Lust. That took years. Relationship after Relationship was very trying, and very rewarding.

    I had to also find out what my boundaries "sexually" would be. Should I suck dick? Should I eat ass? Should I be a top or a bottom? Should I even have sex at all?

    Outside of getting to know myself sexually, I had to deal with my sexuality in reference to God and Religion. Is it a sin? Am I going to Hell? Does God even care? For years it was a struggle, and for years I have prayed, and searched for answers.

    Through this journey, I am learning how to Love, how enjoy my sexuality, how to create a healthy gay lifestyle for myself, and for others.

    I now question, How can I be a Positive, Intelligent, Loving, & Driven Black Gay Male.

    [Thank goodness I have a blog to figure this out]

    What about you?

    By Blogger ShawnQt, at 11:03 PM  

  • Hmmm... let me think I was 13 when I came out to my mother but oddly enough I hadn't had any sexual experience at all but for some reason I knew. I felt that coming out at a young age is easier than later. Wow, I remember those days so innocent and I had so many wonderful memories. Ahhhh(exhaled)

    By Blogger Mark Smith, at 1:04 PM  

  • Could it be that what your doing now is against what you were taught growing up? There is not definitive proof how one comes in term with sexuality...what matters is what do you gain while practicing your sexuality.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:10 PM  

  • U know, I always thought the x men cartoon was analogous to our lives. i've always been in terms with my sexuality. I never doubted it, but I've also known that it wasn't accepted by my family or most of society as a whole.


    By Blogger Reg, at 4:32 PM  

  • I think majority of the people in the life can relate to how you felt. It comes with the territory of coming to terms with who you are.

    By Blogger Cash S., at 5:35 PM  

  • Thank you for posting this.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:18 PM  

  • I thought I was looking too much into it...when I saw the xmen as a metaphor for homosexuality, but I guess I'm not the only one...Anyways, my journey with my sexuality is a continuous amount of questioning...I remember being an early teen at the library several times a week taking out everything I could on homosexuality just to learn only to find nothing that related to me...I often think of my sexuality in terms of love and intimacy ( although sex is always a thought) and because of religion comes the sadness and sometimes shame of it all...Honestly...An ongoing questioning.

    By Blogger Valentino, at 7:23 PM  

  • i'm not homosexual so my opinion may not count, but just as i feel i was born hetero i feel others may be born homosexual.

    By Blogger Accomplice, at 12:43 AM  

  • As promised, new blog name, new look and even new profile pic … check it out: http://thisismemadosi.blogspot.com/

    By Blogger *Madosi, at 6:45 AM  

  • You are so damn smart and cute it's RIDIKULUS!

    The struggle to find one's self is lifelong. Some of us are lucky enough to come to terms with the fact that we cannot change who we are, only the way we view ourselves. Once we learn to love ourselves for everything we are and everything we're not, we are able to see that the most important thing is not how the world views us, but how we view the world.

    I think I had a very brief struggle with spirituality until I found out that it was all about relationship. It is up to you to establish the kind of relationship you want with the creator. I tend to not get wrapped up in the biblical because I realize its writers are simply bloggers of another time. It gives an historical perspective of how relationships with God are established. If read carefully, one can see that aspects of it change with time. I embrace the teachings of Jesus Christ, because he was the kind of black man I want to be and I have no doubt he loves me for everything I am and everything I'm not. Ultimately I believe I can do all things through he who strengthens me.

    By Blogger Rodney, at 7:23 AM  

  • Your insights amaze me you really are handsome and intelligent. I will spare my personal opinions on the faith factor but one thing I do believe in is that our fate in the end is determined by how we treat people while we are "here".

    By Blogger Soulful Real, at 12:16 PM  

  • Brilliant post...I especially love the commentary you added...even the poem was awesome...Oh heck! I loved it all...good job.

    By Blogger ProfessorGQ, at 2:10 PM  

  • Yes, good post indeed. I loved the poem.

    You are so open and honest about your feeling and this things that you have gone through. I think that’s great!

    I believe that people are who they were destined to be. Just like I was born hetero, I think that people can be and are born homosexual as well.

    Its not a choice. Its whats in your nature. People like/love who they love and love and intimacy are very natural feeling feelings and they are a very natural part of life.

    Just like you, I’ve asked myself many of the same questions (only in a different context). I’ve asked if I should suck or if I should even have sex at all for that matter?

    Like I said it’s all a part of nature. I just wish so many people didn’t have to struggle with their feelings. Life is hard enough without that added pressure!

    By Blogger "N" Search of Ecstasy, at 7:59 PM  

  • I love X-men...

    Black + Gay + Male... one of these is a fact, the others are open to interpretation. Your interpretation should be the one that matters. Categories are contraints. As far as categorizing yourself as gay, what you've done is disclose info about your sex life... which is prolly none of my business. If someone wants to know about my sexuality, they either want to sleep with me or are just(bi)curious. that's my opinion.

    By Blogger dugla, at 8:12 PM  

  • I always felt Mutants were so much like us; the outcast, the neglected and the feared. WE do have power its just up to us to tap into it. I am just me a Rogue of sort

    By Blogger Stone, at 6:02 AM  

  • I was about 20... Scared to death because it was something new... Fear consumed me but I went on and did it.... I had not shared it with anyone prior to last year unless they were Family. But now Im more free to disclose to who I want to.. My family wont accept it but I dont care! Im me and Comfortable being me

    By Blogger Ya boy Maurice, at 8:18 AM  

  • love the x-men. Loved this post man.

    By Blogger lj, at 7:33 PM  

  • i just took a dive into this lifestyle so, i don't think i can answer that just yet, i'm still working on the "am i, really?" and believing it... hmm... lata qt

    By Blogger heartbreaker, at 8:00 AM  

  • "one shouldn't define himself based on his sexuality". my mother told me this when i told her i was gay. she asked me if things were going to change. if i was going to change. i believe she never wanted an answer. she wanted me to realise that the answer is something you carry inside yourself until you die.

    good post.

    By Blogger g.h.o.u., at 6:49 PM  

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