WILL I EVER LET GO?

"A photo I took trying to capture what little of the god I know"

bare with me as I write this. this is me trying to let go...

I went to my boyfriend's church last Sunday, and I guess it made me realize a few things about myself. As I stood there listening to the sermon, I felt something inside me. Chills. The words and the songs... "moved me." I saw people putting there hands in the air, dancing and stomping their feet, shouting out loud, and at one point move into "holy ghost." I'm no stranger to any of these interactions of the church, even when I was younger, I found it quite strange. Yet today, I wanted to know what it felt like to "let go" like that.
Why couldn't I "worship" like everyone else?

15 years ago, Age 10...

As a young boy, I grew up in a Black Baptist church. Went to Sunday school, went to church events, and for the most part I didn't like it. I hated getting up in the morning, only to try and stay awake during the sermon. I hated standing for long periods of time. The songs never seemed to end, and most of the time it they weren't really good songs. I always had to clap and act like I was having a good time, when all I wanted to do was go home. The service felt like it would never end, I would be so hungry. I asked too many questions for Sunday school, and never really got any answers back. I just sucked it up because I felt I had to. I think through all that holding in of negative energy, it eventually turned me off to church as I got older.

12 years ago, Age 18...

By this time, I realized I was gay, and was well aware that The Church and my religion did not agree on my sexuality. For me, church attendance was non-existent. The only way to keep my sanity of not feeling like I was going to hell was to ignore it. My best friend in high school was part of the the Gospel Choir. At times, I would travel with him when they went to concerts. When the sang, man... you felt it. It was a feeling I haven't really felt before. I would cry every time they sang. It was weird for me, but I loved it.

4 years ago, Age 21...

A bad sexual experience, transformed me into a spiritual person. For details on that you can check out my post, CELEBRATING THE DAY OF MY BIRTH. I started doing research about various religions, philosophies, and ideas that I never knew existed. I started reading "Conversations with GOD" , and it opened my mind, and my heart to GOD again. My relationship was strengthened, and I started hearing and seeing visions of what I could feel as GOD communicating with me. I didn't consider myself a Christian anymore... for various reasons. I wouldn't want to go into detail about that because I'm not here to start an argument to diminish one's faith. I just felt that I needed a GOD that was best fit to uplift and strengthen me. I found my GOD.

Last Sunday, Age 25...

I have learned to appreciate my former religion, and take in what I could whenever I did go to church. Yet, I was never into praising and worshipping in church. I wish I could tell you why. I enjoyed receiving the message, clapping my hands from time to time. And whenever I felt "moved", I would either wipe a small tear from my eye, or give a silent prayer, saying thank you. I always felt I was just a shy person. I didn't want people to look at me like I was crazy. I didn't want to "act" a part. I wasn't a church goer, so why should I sit up in there and shout like I'm here every Sunday. Yet last Sunday, I felt something inside of me... Chills. For that moment, I wanted to shout, and say Amen, and jump up and down, and give all the praise, and all the worship, and uplift the spirit of GOD in me. But I didn't. I held it in. I clapped, and smiled, and I felt sad.

If I am such a spiritual person, and feel these feelings in me, why can't I let go?

[my unanswered question]