[adult swim]

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

WILL I EVER LET GO?


"A photo I took trying to capture what little of the god I know"

bare with me as I write this. this is me trying to let go...
I went to my boyfriend's church last Sunday, and I guess it made me realize a few things about myself. As I stood there listening to the sermon, I felt something inside me. Chills. The words and the songs... "moved me." I saw people putting there hands in the air, dancing and stomping their feet, shouting out loud, and at one point move into "holy ghost." I'm no stranger to any of these interactions of the church, even when I was younger, I found it quite strange. Yet today, I wanted to know what it felt like to "let go" like that.
Why couldn't I "worship" like everyone else?

15 years ago, Age 10...
As a young boy, I grew up in a Black Baptist church. Went to Sunday school, went to church events, and for the most part I didn't like it. I hated getting up in the morning, only to try and stay awake during the sermon. I hated standing for long periods of time. The songs never seemed to end, and most of the time it they weren't really good songs. I always had to clap and act like I was having a good time, when all I wanted to do was go home. The service felt like it would never end, I would be so hungry. I asked too many questions for Sunday school, and never really got any answers back. I just sucked it up because I felt I had to. I think through all that holding in of negative energy, it eventually turned me off to church as I got older.

12 years ago, Age 18...
By this time, I realized I was gay, and was well aware that The Church and my religion did not agree on my sexuality. For me, church attendance was non-existent. The only way to keep my sanity of not feeling like I was going to hell was to ignore it. My best friend in high school was part of the the Gospel Choir. At times, I would travel with him when they went to concerts. When the sang, man... you felt it. It was a feeling I haven't really felt before. I would cry every time they sang. It was weird for me, but I loved it.

4 years ago, Age 21...
A bad sexual experience, transformed me into a spiritual person. For details on that you can check out my post, CELEBRATING THE DAY OF MY BIRTH. I started doing research about various religions, philosophies, and ideas that I never knew existed. I started reading "Conversations with GOD" , and it opened my mind, and my heart to GOD again. My relationship was strengthened, and I started hearing and seeing visions of what I could feel as GOD communicating with me. I didn't consider myself a Christian anymore... for various reasons. I wouldn't want to go into detail about that because I'm not here to start an argument to diminish one's faith. I just felt that I needed a GOD that was best fit to uplift and strengthen me. I found my GOD.

Last Sunday, Age 25...
I have learned to appreciate my former religion, and take in what I could whenever I did go to church. Yet, I was never into praising and worshipping in church. I wish I could tell you why. I enjoyed receiving the message, clapping my hands from time to time. And whenever I felt "moved", I would either wipe a small tear from my eye, or give a silent prayer, saying thank you. I always felt I was just a shy person. I didn't want people to look at me like I was crazy. I didn't want to "act" a part. I wasn't a church goer, so why should I sit up in there and shout like I'm here every Sunday. Yet last Sunday, I felt something inside of me... Chills. For that moment, I wanted to shout, and say Amen, and jump up and down, and give all the praise, and all the worship, and uplift the spirit of GOD in me. But I didn't. I held it in. I clapped, and smiled, and I felt sad.

If I am such a spiritual person, and feel these feelings in me, why can't I let go?

[my unanswered question]

13 Comments:

  • Man, I can totally relate, it sounds just like my spiritual experience. I love the church, because of the community you can find there, and of course, ain't nothing like a good 'ol gospel song, sung right! I went through the same thing of just ignoring religion because my sexuality wasn't gonna change and the church didn't seem like its homophobia was going anywhere anytime soon, so I just committed to loving myself and knowing that God loves me, too.
    Thanks for sharing, took the words right out of my mouth!
    by the way you kinda sexy (smile).
    I'm just glad it didn't take me 25 years, it took me seventeen, but what the hell...its knowing that counts, right?
    Peace

    By Anonymous A, at 1:33 AM  

  • Why can't you let? Because you are being a PUNK! LOL I am kidding. Yo QT you are good. Do what works for you. You don't have to express your praise as the rest of them. You know your connection with your God. Do You! I tell you what, all that shouting ain't good shouting. Some is just for show.

    By Blogger No4real4real, at 6:40 AM  

  • This is crazy....I was just pondering this question last night...no damn lie. I'm still on my spiritual journey...

    I hope you find the answer.

    By Blogger Liza Valentino, at 5:13 PM  

  • QT,
    I am always led to believe that each person worships god with their own gift. I, used to be the shouting type in church all the time. Praising was my thing. I mean, I sing to the glory of god. But even after a rousing solo sometimes I just get a quikening, a chill as you called it and I know that I have given my all. You might not ever shout out. But as long as you can get the chill and know who and what breathed on you your experience was worth it. Every one that shouts doesn't feel the spirit. Sometimes the atmosphere is so high that all you can do is think a simple THANK YOU LORD to yourself. It is alright to worship in silence. For those who worship the lord, worship in spirit and truth. Truth is you have a quiet spirit. And it sounds like you always have. If you decide to hit me back I could tell you the story that goes along with this revelation that I extend to you.

    In Peace I came and In Peace I leave.

    By Blogger The Divo, at 5:42 PM  

  • First...How special that you went to church with your boyfriend...That is so moving...I think we all have our conflicts with the church and agree that your relationship with God is just that YOURS. I'm sure he hears your thank you just as clearly as he hears those that shout it.

    By Blogger Valentino, at 6:02 PM  

  • I dont want to bite everyone else. So I'll just say, we all have the universal feeling!

    Church, well...I am not feeling that. I have church in my mind! Can you believe what my preacher says! He's so phenomenal!!!

    Anyway...
    Shout Me!

    By Blogger Trent Jackson, at 6:53 PM  

  • Hi... I am a strong believer that people can believe in God and have a relationship with him without going to church every Sunday. I can relate to that feeling you described having last Sunday! Just know that it's ok to feel whatever it is your feeling without screaming out, but if that's what you want to do then go ahead and yell out! Either way, I think God hears us!

    By Blogger coley, at 9:41 PM  

  • Is letting go really about jumping around and acting out for God. I think he knows what you feel inside. You've essentially let go and found your way back to HIM so that's all that matters. It's not really necessary to "act" the part by doing what everyone else is doing. At least that's how I feel. I'm not the jump around seizure shake type either and I'm fine with that.
    I agree with No4real4real & Coley too.

    By Blogger disgruntled, at 3:27 AM  

  • I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness... so the shouting experience was completely new to me when I first saw it.

    When the choir sang... at one moment, something gave me chills, but the shouting and public display wasnt natural to me. I didnt feel comfortable letting go and being completely free in front of all those people.

    I was in awe of those people who could be free like that. A grown azz big burly man, crying like a baby, sobbing, nose running and all... women sweating out their new hairstyles... during that moment while they shouted, they were free... free to show sides of themselves they dont show in every day life. And after that moment... the man wiped his face, and held his head high... the women smoothed back their hair, and took their seats... and they were who they were before.

    and I remember thinking... what a freeing experience that must have been... to completely let go and be caught up in that moment. To show sides you dont normally share WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.

    I am like you... I wanted to let go. I wanted to experience it. But... also like you, I couldnt.

    By Blogger prodigalsun, at 3:29 PM  

  • I'm sorry to hear that you couldn't "let go". I think this isn't a question no one on here can answer. I think the answer is in you (well, I think you will get it as you fellowship with God). I hope you experience him in his fulness and in the capacity that you desire.

    By Blogger mytruth, at 1:26 AM  

  • I didn't read your comments and I know I'm late. But, all I can say is that you have your own spirituality. Some people can praise without saying anything, while others can yell, laugh and cry at the same time. But, if a part of you wants to rejoice aloud, pray for guidance and strength. My brother, many of us G-life men have bad experiences with church going people. But, we all independently have our own relationship with the man up above.

    "I'll pray for you, you pray for me. I love you I need you to survive."

    And if you want to try another church, let me know, my church is in jerz.

    By Blogger SmilingOnThaDL, at 11:36 AM  

  • I can relate, I try not t be spritual but u cant help it

    By Blogger Ril, at 12:41 AM  

  • dont stress on it too much, a church is just a building,inside yourself is where the real worship resides..remember if you dont go within..you go without...welcome to a whole new world of knowing,

    By Blogger scott, at 9:01 AM  

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