CELEBRATING THE DAY OF MY BIRTH

Easter. The day when Jesus was resurrected from the dead. It is a day to reflect on our own rebirths; that of the body and of the spirit. It is a moment to reflect on the miracles of life. It is a time when this planet rises from its winter slumber, to "spring" in a new form of its earthly wonders. It is another year when cosmic stars push forward and the zodiac signs start over once again, with the head forward Aries leading the pack. Even Numerology states that this day (3.27.2005) gives off a universal vibration of a 1, which symbolizes the principle of the new beginnings. And then of course, there is my birthday...

... I am 25 years old, and moving forward on what I would consider the new beginning of my adulthood. I graduated college, have started my new career, got my driver's license, and will soon be moving into my brand new apartment. All these things will be the foundation of the man you see today. Always rising, always the Phoenix.

I have always associated myself with the Mythology of the Phoenix. The phoenix bird symbolizes immortality, resurrection and life after death. Only one phoenix exists at a time.
When the bird feels its death is near, every 500 years, it would build a wood nest and set itself on fire. A new phoenix would spring forth from the pyre flying stronger and better then its previous form.

The phoenix first came to me during a really bad sexual experience.

There was this guy. He was sexy as hell, and I met him on a friendship level. I told myself that I was going to keep it that way. I asked him if I could come over to his house, and he was cool with it. We sat, watched TV, he showed me some of his modeling photos, and all I could think about was how attractive and sexy he was. He was light-skin, had a muscular body, masculine, but a pretty boy nonetheless. He was flat out fine. It was getting dark, and I didn't want to go home so late, so he insisted that I stay the night, but that we wouldn't do anything. Fine, cool. Man, he was fine. To make a long story short... We ended up messing around. Yet in the heat of passion, he wanted to have actual sex with me. I told him I was a virgin, and he laughed at me, and completely tuned me out, and turned me down. He said he had to go get in the shower, and to get dressed and be out by the time he got back. I was hurt, humiliated, and felt so bad that my thoughts were so fixed on instant gratification.

As I laid on the bed, desperate and alone, I started writing a letter to GOD, asking for a sign, something that would take me away from all these empty sexual thoughts and desires. It was then, that I started sketching out a phoenix bird. I knew then that this was the sign that GOD was showing me. My body felt, only what I can describe as a surge of happiness, peace, and motivation. I felt as if I was being reborn into a new spirit. I felt like I wanted to be more intune to GOD, the universe, and what life was truly all about... LOVE.

Even as I look back on this story, I am still amazed at how intune I feel I am with the universe. How even when things go bad, I still look towards the positive. Even on my very own birthday, people stood me up, or didn't even call to wish me a happy birthday, I was still was still ok with it. And it amazes me that, the person I broke up with two months ago, the one I blogged about a few days ago, declared to me for the first time that he was "IN LOVE" with me, and that he wanted me back in his life. The one that I didn't even think cared about me, was crying because he couldn't see me not being by his side. I was in love with him too, but I was scared that he would do this to me again. Then I looked at how special this day truly was. Easter. Jesus. Spring Time. Me being an Aries. This day given off a vibration of a "1". Me turning 25. Me loving God, and GOD giving me the gift of love...

... and all I could do was love him, and take him back. Once again GOD has given me all the signs that my relationship, was being reborn, and that only "beautiful" things could begin once again.

[the best birthday gift ever]

Grow II: Growing Pains

"Yeah... I bring niggas over here. What you going to do about it?"

I think to myself, how are you going to stay in my grandmother's house, the same house I grew up in, and disrespect me by bringing some dudes over here and having sex with them!

"I don't care, we are not together anymore, so I can bring who ever I want over here."

I was pissed as hell, wanting to knock this nigga out, for ending our once happy relationship, and now even as friends, helping him out with a place to stay, only to stab me right in the back. I'm hurt, trying not to cry, trying not to lose my sanity, trying to take the high road, only to feel a sense of torment I have never felt before.

Then I wake up.
It was only a dream, and one of man dreams I have had since my breakup. On the outside, I'm cool. Going through the day, smiling, & enjoying myself. Yet at times I sit on the subway, listening to Anthony Hamilton or John Legend, and thoughts of my broken relationship sing in my head. Let me call him. No. I have to give him space. He probably got some guy over there. Stop being jealous Shawn. Ok, just think about something else. You a good looking brother, you deserve a good brother that treasures you. But I want him.

I hold all these feelings inside, and they end up in my dreams, and become ten times as worse. I wake up feeling lonely. I dial his number, then stop. Why do I have to go through this pain?

_________________________________________

Alright, I'll go out and date. I met a few people. One guy was cool. He was really muscular... Tall, dark, masculine. We went to the mall, we had similar style in clothes, we laughed had fun. Yet, he was in the same boat I was in. He broke up with his boyfriend, and was trying to deal with it. I understood him. We ended up as friends.

The second guy was cool. He was the same size as me... Older man, light skin, looked like Prince. We went to the movies. He wanted to treat me like a Prince. Pay for everything. Very sincere and protective. Yet, he was in the same boat I was in. His boyfriend broke up with him, and was trying to deal with it. I understood him too. I got tired of hearing about his ex, we ended up not really speaking.

__________________________________________

Me and my boyfriend (sigh, ex-boyfriend), are still friends, and still see each other. I guess that's why it hurts so bad. I went to see him at his dorm, because he was having trouble being motivated to do his work, and he wanted me there. I layed next to him on the floor, while he worked on his project. It was due the next day, and he had a midterm to study for as well. He feel asleep, only to wake up in pure distraught. He didn't finish his project, and he didn't study... He began to breakdown and cry. I was getting dressed for work, but to see him laying in the bed, crying, I couldn't leave him. I called out of work, and he cried in my arms. I couldn't leave him. I loved him so much, my heart ached when he ached. I had to help him with every breath in my body. Later that day, he went to class, only to come back to me cleaning his entire dorm room. "A Clean space, makes for a clear mind." He gave me such a huge hug, I wanted to melt. Yet for a moment, I felt it was too good to be true, maybe this was a dream as well.

Yet, we are not together. What do I do? What do I do? What do I... sigh.

[these are my growing pains]

rashawn

you shared a similar name like me
you wanted to be a designer like me
you was ambitious, fashionable, and handsome like me
you even liked men like me
yet when you went to meet the man of your dreams...

you didn't come back like me

Early on the morning of February 17, a transit authority maintenance worker came upon two legs and an arm stuffed in a bloody plastic bag jammed against the tunnel wall of the A line subway track, just north of the Nostrand Avenue platform. The hand’s fingerprints allowed authorities to identify the limbs as belonging to Rashawn Brazell, an aspiring Web designer who lived on Gates Avenue in Bedford Stuyvesant with his parents. The young man left on the morning of Valentine’s Day, ostensibly for a meeting with a tax preparer, and had made arrangements to also meet a man and go away for a few days. He never returned home.

[take action by clicking here.]

IT'S LOG!

Log rolls down stairs
Alone or in pairs
Rolls over your neighbors dog
What's great for a snack
& fits on your back?
It's Log Log Log

It's Log, it's Log
It's big, it's heavy, it's wood

It's Log, it's Log
It's better than bad, it's good

Everyone want's a Log
You're gonna love it Log
Come on & get your Log
Everyone needs a Log

LOG, LOG, LOG... FROM BLAMMO!

[its 1:00 in the morning, just being silly]

I am, the Creator

This one of the designs that's in my college portfolio.
It states: God communicates with everyone, Question is, will you listen?

In college, my professor gave us an assignment to write a small blurb on why we wanted to be a Graphic Designer. Of course in "Shawn" fashion, I wrote this over the top, meaningful, essay-like response. lol. I was being real though. Everything I say is very honest and heartfelt. I guess that's why people admire me, or hate me, which every comes first. My professor loved it, so I just wanted to share it with everyone else.

I am, the Creator
by Shawn

GOD: The Eternal Entity of Energy, created great forces that molded and shaped the Universe in great design. Within the great mind of GOD propelled a design in which the creative arrangement of elements and details, that carried purpose, patterns, and plans, could be accessed by the human mind.

What motivated me to study graphic design? On the spiritual level, it was my soul tapping into the creative forces of GOD, and also having the ability to mold and shape my own existence. Self-expression has always been the means of me communicating who I was. Visual communication was always a gift from GOD that I always wanted to master later on in my life. In a way, graphic design was like a magnet, and it just “drew” me to it. My eyes were always in awe at the intricate beauty of visual media, the ideas and concepts behind it always made me want to create such a grand experience. I wanted to experience Art, but I also wanted to create it.

I learned all types of art during 7th and 8th grade, during a special program, and then graduated from [editor's edit: an art school in New Jersey]. The talent was always there, but I needed to cultivate my mind with ideas, and different ways of thinking, that would help me to use this art for the good of humanity. I soon started to study philosophy, psychology, sociology, religion, metaphysical spirituality, and also learning the universal design of who we are as human beings. All these things made me a stronger graphic designer, as well as a better person.

I am now a creator of visual ideas that help inspire, motivate, persuade, and inform human beings of life’s greatest wonders, through products, brochures, posters, magazines, and/or websites. I am here to help give people and companies’ visual identities and lifestyles. I am here to create life through the means of design, just as GOD has done for us, and to have that great power, makes me extremely happy.

[my birthday is march 27th, mark your calendars]