Grow II: Growing Pains

"Yeah... I bring niggas over here. What you going to do about it?"

I think to myself, how are you going to stay in my grandmother's house, the same house I grew up in, and disrespect me by bringing some dudes over here and having sex with them!

"I don't care, we are not together anymore, so I can bring who ever I want over here."

I was pissed as hell, wanting to knock this nigga out, for ending our once happy relationship, and now even as friends, helping him out with a place to stay, only to stab me right in the back. I'm hurt, trying not to cry, trying not to lose my sanity, trying to take the high road, only to feel a sense of torment I have never felt before.

Then I wake up.
It was only a dream, and one of man dreams I have had since my breakup. On the outside, I'm cool. Going through the day, smiling, & enjoying myself. Yet at times I sit on the subway, listening to Anthony Hamilton or John Legend, and thoughts of my broken relationship sing in my head. Let me call him. No. I have to give him space. He probably got some guy over there. Stop being jealous Shawn. Ok, just think about something else. You a good looking brother, you deserve a good brother that treasures you. But I want him.

I hold all these feelings inside, and they end up in my dreams, and become ten times as worse. I wake up feeling lonely. I dial his number, then stop. Why do I have to go through this pain?

_________________________________________

Alright, I'll go out and date. I met a few people. One guy was cool. He was really muscular... Tall, dark, masculine. We went to the mall, we had similar style in clothes, we laughed had fun. Yet, he was in the same boat I was in. He broke up with his boyfriend, and was trying to deal with it. I understood him. We ended up as friends.

The second guy was cool. He was the same size as me... Older man, light skin, looked like Prince. We went to the movies. He wanted to treat me like a Prince. Pay for everything. Very sincere and protective. Yet, he was in the same boat I was in. His boyfriend broke up with him, and was trying to deal with it. I understood him too. I got tired of hearing about his ex, we ended up not really speaking.

__________________________________________

Me and my boyfriend (sigh, ex-boyfriend), are still friends, and still see each other. I guess that's why it hurts so bad. I went to see him at his dorm, because he was having trouble being motivated to do his work, and he wanted me there. I layed next to him on the floor, while he worked on his project. It was due the next day, and he had a midterm to study for as well. He feel asleep, only to wake up in pure distraught. He didn't finish his project, and he didn't study... He began to breakdown and cry. I was getting dressed for work, but to see him laying in the bed, crying, I couldn't leave him. I called out of work, and he cried in my arms. I couldn't leave him. I loved him so much, my heart ached when he ached. I had to help him with every breath in my body. Later that day, he went to class, only to come back to me cleaning his entire dorm room. "A Clean space, makes for a clear mind." He gave me such a huge hug, I wanted to melt. Yet for a moment, I felt it was too good to be true, maybe this was a dream as well.

Yet, we are not together. What do I do? What do I do? What do I... sigh.

[these are my growing pains]