[adult swim]

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Grow II: Growing Pains

"Yeah... I bring niggas over here. What you going to do about it?"

I think to myself, how are you going to stay in my grandmother's house, the same house I grew up in, and disrespect me by bringing some dudes over here and having sex with them!

"I don't care, we are not together anymore, so I can bring who ever I want over here."

I was pissed as hell, wanting to knock this nigga out, for ending our once happy relationship, and now even as friends, helping him out with a place to stay, only to stab me right in the back. I'm hurt, trying not to cry, trying not to lose my sanity, trying to take the high road, only to feel a sense of torment I have never felt before.

Then I wake up.
It was only a dream, and one of man dreams I have had since my breakup. On the outside, I'm cool. Going through the day, smiling, & enjoying myself. Yet at times I sit on the subway, listening to Anthony Hamilton or John Legend, and thoughts of my broken relationship sing in my head. Let me call him. No. I have to give him space. He probably got some guy over there. Stop being jealous Shawn. Ok, just think about something else. You a good looking brother, you deserve a good brother that treasures you. But I want him.

I hold all these feelings inside, and they end up in my dreams, and become ten times as worse. I wake up feeling lonely. I dial his number, then stop. Why do I have to go through this pain?

Alright, I'll go out and date. I met a few people. One guy was cool. He was really muscular... Tall, dark, masculine. We went to the mall, we had similar style in clothes, we laughed had fun. Yet, he was in the same boat I was in. He broke up with his boyfriend, and was trying to deal with it. I understood him. We ended up as friends.

The second guy was cool. He was the same size as me... Older man, light skin, looked like Prince. We went to the movies. He wanted to treat me like a Prince. Pay for everything. Very sincere and protective. Yet, he was in the same boat I was in. His boyfriend broke up with him, and was trying to deal with it. I understood him too. I got tired of hearing about his ex, we ended up not really speaking.

Me and my boyfriend (sigh, ex-boyfriend), are still friends, and still see each other. I guess that's why it hurts so bad. I went to see him at his dorm, because he was having trouble being motivated to do his work, and he wanted me there. I layed next to him on the floor, while he worked on his project. It was due the next day, and he had a midterm to study for as well. He feel asleep, only to wake up in pure distraught. He didn't finish his project, and he didn't study... He began to breakdown and cry. I was getting dressed for work, but to see him laying in the bed, crying, I couldn't leave him. I called out of work, and he cried in my arms. I couldn't leave him. I loved him so much, my heart ached when he ached. I had to help him with every breath in my body. Later that day, he went to class, only to come back to me cleaning his entire dorm room. "A Clean space, makes for a clear mind." He gave me such a huge hug, I wanted to melt. Yet for a moment, I felt it was too good to be true, maybe this was a dream as well.

Yet, we are not together. What do I do? What do I do? What do I... sigh.

[these are my growing pains]


  • I'm sorry. I'm struggling to be apart from my ex too. It's weird part of me feels like I will never recover from this, but the other part thinks people have been together and seperated since life began and I just need to wait it out. I'm not sure which one is true yet.

    By Blogger anit, at 8:00 AM  

  • I wish I had something more insightful to say but heartbreak is a bitch...

    Hugs and well wishes to you.


    p.s. I have a new location...


    By Blogger rockonlock, at 11:19 AM  

  • I know that u have read of my recent emotional rollercoaster. I don't have much advice, but I do have a question...the one that looked like Prince, do ya think u can call him up and ask him if he'd be interested in a woman? Lol...mayne, I wish some Prince-looking dude would court me.

    By Blogger LB, at 3:51 PM  

  • Stumbled on this blog by chance and you on here articulating exactly what I am going through..the way I see it, a lot of us have been wounded and we never heal. Then we become a part of the ugly part of the life: sleeping around just because we can, never calling back, etc. Yet we are loving men, you know, the kind that you sound like the kind that I am. Just when I think I am ok, soca music comes at me and it feels like the day after my own break-up. Amazing how memories are so powerful that they can break your mood. Man people have been doing this way before us but the difference now is that love doesn't seem to be something that is valued. Continue to love yourself, that's all we can do.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:56 PM  

  • sorry to hear about your current struggle. i know how hard it is to be caught in the "in - between" stages. i hate having to get over someone or a relationship. sucks...but i do think dude should respect you enough not to be sexin other dudes in your place.

    By Blogger plotty, at 6:45 PM  

  • Hi.. I found your blog through songbirds page. Just wanted to say stay strong! They weren't lying when they said "breakin up is hard to do" I was in the same place you are right now, about 3 months ago. I don't know if you ever really get over a broken heart. I know it takes a long time. I'm starting to heal and it feels good! I pray the same happens for you. I will say that the only thing that made it better for me was to cut him off completely so that I could move on. We did the whole we're just friends/still have major feelings for each other/sometimes being intimate thing for many many months. But ultimately I kept hurting, so cutting it off worked for me. Good luck to you :)

    By Blogger coley, at 8:41 PM  

  • It's a bitch, isn't it? I feel every word you wrote like I could have written it myself.

    Passionate people attract other passionate people whether they want to or not. Stay true to yourself and I believe the passion and excitement we dream of will become a reality before we know it. But in order to get to that we have to accept that some things aren't meant to be, and that those things probably didn't enhance our passionate sides all that much.

    Here's to letting go...and seeing things for what they truly are :)

    By Blogger Soul Searching, at 3:05 AM  

  • I know everyone says it gets better with time but it truly does. I know it has to be hard. I wish you the best and hope that whatever happens strengthens your happiness.

    By Blogger lindsay-lee, at 9:47 AM  

  • The first part of it is never easy. I think you're handling it the best you can and doing what you need to do to attempt to move on. I'm not sure how long you all were together ... or why you broke up ... don't want to ask to make you relive it. But just know I feel you. Loved someone so much it hurt once and he left me without so much as a goodbye. I bullshit you not, it hurt for a long time. But look at me now... Fabulous. :-) You will make it, you just have to believe in your ability to overcome it. I'll be stoppin through to check on you. If that's cool.

    By Blogger Me, at 1:11 PM  

  • That's what I call one of a kind...calling out of work to comfort him and THEN cleaning the room while he's gone...it sounds like things I've done too, but unfortunately there is no sure fire way to get over shit like this...you just have to.

    Good luck man.

    By Blogger PRINCE CHARMING, at 4:03 AM  

  • Wow, you are a going through a lot. This just proves you never know what's going on in another persons mind, world, life etc. Hang in there!

    By Blogger princessdominique, at 3:58 PM  

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