[adult swim]

Monday, November 07, 2005

Trippin'




I just want to thank everyone for their comments on my last post. I got a lot of feedback. After I wrote the post, I was thinking about why I wanted to drink and smoke in the first place. I feel that there is a part of my personality that I want to RELEASE. I used to be really shy when I was younger, picked on, teased for wearing glasses & being short. It affected me a lot and I held back a lot of who I am. It took years to gain my confidence back. Now I know who I am, and I'm not my past, and I can't let what other people thoughts about me confine me to holding back who I am. So I wanted some kind of outside source to let go of my inhibitions, and felt that maybe a drink or smoking weed might let that go...

I'm not going to do neither. At least not now.
I came to a realization this weekend. As I was cleaning up the house. My grandmother came down and was asking me if my mother and stepfather was coming to finish up the floor in the living room. My mom said my stepfather wasn't home from work yet, so I had to wait. Then my grandmother said that one day this week, he came to the house when I was at work and asked her to let him in so he can work on the floor. Yet, she seen come in and out, without any work getting done.

Why would my grandmother let him in the house?!!!!!!

Just in case you guys didn't know, my stepfather has stolen things from me in the past. From money in my sock drawer, to money in my bank account. This has been going on for 2 years now. I would get my money back, but he would continue doing it. I have never had any family problems until my mother married this man. It is one of the reasons why I am living alone now. Yet, this day, my playstation is gone. Again! Why is this happening to! I call my mother and tell her. The things he is stealing from me can be replaced, my mother's thoughts are on her irreplaceable marriage. Why would this man do this? She finally told me that...

He's on drugs

I'm pissed and upset all at once, because I don't know what to do. My mother wants to work this out with him, so I'm reframing from calling the police. She doesn't want me to tell my grandmother, so I'm pissed because I can't do anything... but I love my mother. So right now, I'm letting it go until its resolved. BUT I'M GETTING MY SHIT BACK!

You know what pisses me off more? That he reminds me of my birth father . My father and mother where high school sweethearts, and were planning on getting married. He was in the army and stationed in North Carolina. He was suppose to come home and see my mother on Thanksgiving. She was pregnant with me at the time. He wasn't able to make it, and said he would be there to see her on Christmas. So he came on that Christmas day, and my mother was so excited.

That excitement was crushed when my father said that he couldn't marry her. Why? Because he was already married. Yes, that Thanksgiving he married another woman. Another woman who was having his baby. I am only a few months older then my half sister.

He had another child, and there marriage ended due to his drug addiction. When he was living in New Jersey, he never was in my life. He had another child 3 years ago, and the mother and him are not able to take care of the baby because of there drug addictions. My aunt, who can't have kids, has now adopted him as her son.

Now, my mother and my family is going through this bullshit. Why is this happening to us? Why is this happening to me?

[...sigh]

10 Comments:

  • Aw man...sorry to hear that you're going through what you are. I know it's difficult for you and as strange as it will sound...there is a reason. Nothing in life never happens arbitrarily; even when we don't understand.

    Again, I'm sorry you're going through this. Just stay strong man...you can hold out - I know you can. If you need a shoulder, well...u know where to find a brotha!

    Coming Into Reality,
    -Jamal

    By Blogger Jamal K. Franklin, at 7:43 PM  

  • That's totally messed up man , you should let everybody in ur family know how exactly how you feel about that man.
    Nobody should even let him get close to you or your personal stuff without your approval !

    By Blogger Soldier, at 10:28 PM  

  • I have a song for you Shawn
    I don't know if you are religious
    And honestly It doesn't matter if you are.

    After reading this post this song filled up my soul and when God speaks to me I listen.

    So here it is for you...
    If you don't know the melody that is fine. Just listen to the words. The melody would be nothing without the words...


    What a friend we have in Jesus

    What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
    What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
    O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
    All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

    Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
    We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
    Can we find a friend so faithful? Who will all our sorrows share?
    Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer!

    Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
    Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
    Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
    In His arms He’ll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.

    Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised, Thou wilt all our burdens bear.
    May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.
    Soon in glory bright unclouded, there will be no need for prayer. Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.

    By Blogger JenellyBean, at 12:20 PM  

  • Hey jenellybean...that's my JAM! I love that song...especially when it's sung in church!

    By Blogger Jamal K. Franklin, at 7:09 PM  

  • I'm loving stewie! Love is tough sometime, you calling the police could be the best move. He may need to be off the street, so that he can overcome the addiction. It's time for you to take control...these ppl are out of control

    By Blogger mytruth, at 10:54 PM  

  • reading this post...i overcome with great anger and sadness...because your story is the story of so many people, and not all of them, not even most of them, are able to grab a hold of the situation as you have....you continue to be strong....

    i will also say that my first response to your stepfather would be, okay its "go-time"....you work hard for your possessions so you can enjoy them...we live in a world where so many people are bent accumulating resources in less than traditional ways....meaning they are interesting in being leeches and never having to work for themselves and pull themselves up...they remain a burden on the small percentage of productive members of society....

    man...you have to strike down with an iron-fist...

    By Blogger P. Alonzo Harris Jr., at 9:48 AM  

  • I just want to say thank you to everyone that responded, I know it seems like my blog has been one "depression" after another, but just writing all this down, and releasing it really helps.

    It doesn't get better, until I fully resolve the situation, and I'm trying.

    By Blogger ShawnQt, at 6:42 AM  

  • I know it took me long enough but I am here to share my thoughts...

    Yo damn that man. You are not responsible for your mother or her husband. You moved out on your own to get away from the bullshit. You need to check your grandmother and ensure she doesn't let him in your house while you are not there. That should have been the first thing. If you wasn't her grandchild and it was another tenant that would never have happened. Grandma would have been legally responsible for anything stolen as the person who did it since he authorized them access without your permission. But I digress on that one. She just shouldn't let it happen again. As for your step father, I know he is doing the work on your floor and you may have a lot to be done but should shut that shit down. Don't allow that dude back in your house. I am sure such an action would cause trouble with you going to your momma house but that shit is not cool. I would have called the cops. Momma is just enabling his ass and it is not going to get any better. She needs to shut that shit down asap and if she won't do it, give her ass some help. I may be real late on theses comments but I lived my childhood through a steal drug abusing momma that kept the same company. I know the feeling and shit is not good. Your momma and all folks need to realize that we don't have to settle and we can do better, have better, and keep better than what we have.

    I know I am just running off at the mouth but this is not cool.

    Why is it happening to you??? Fuck that question. A better question is what are you going to do to ensure it doesn't happen again? You moved out and you are now suppose to have your control and do you as you. Well then do it! Take control of your shit and maintain your sexy as you do it too. Don't let them see you moved. You are gonna have to step your game up and expect only the best from others and demand respect. To allow them to disrespect you is disrespectful to yourself. Ain't nobody gonna respect a man that don't respect himself. That is a given. Yo that is your house. Take control and handle your business. You are a grown ass man now. You need to do you and worry about others once you are set. Until you are straight you can't be that much help to anyone else. I learned that shit some time ago. You need to know that now! Yes your momma got problems with her husband but your momma is grown. She needs to take some control too and get her situation in check.

    Yo who is the strength in y'all family? Y'all need to seek that person and see what can be done.

    Maybe I said too much but you asked...

    Good luck - Peace

    By Blogger No4real4real, at 5:36 PM  

  • No4real4real thanks for the wake up call!

    By Blogger ShawnQt, at 5:56 PM  

  • ok, #1: you are the man of the family. you were there well before he entered the picture. you need to let him know that you will not stand for him stealing your sh*&.

    i know you love your mother....i love mine too. i've watched mine go through 3 failed marriages. it's hard...b/c i watch her go through the same cycle over and over and over again. i finally just realized that SHE is addicted to broken people. not only does she NOT fix them..she makes the problem worse for herself and everyone around her.

    i feel your frustration/pain etc.. it's good that you let yourself "vent" every once in a while.

    i'm really glad i found your blog.

    :-) allison in texas

    By Blogger allison, at 1:03 PM  

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