Trippin'

I just want to thank everyone for their comments on my last post. I got a lot of feedback. After I wrote the post, I was thinking about why I wanted to drink and smoke in the first place. I feel that there is a part of my personality that I want to RELEASE. I used to be really shy when I was younger, picked on, teased for wearing glasses & being short. It affected me a lot and I held back a lot of who I am. It took years to gain my confidence back. Now I know who I am, and I'm not my past, and I can't let what other people thoughts about me confine me to holding back who I am. So I wanted some kind of outside source to let go of my inhibitions, and felt that maybe a drink or smoking weed might let that go...

I'm not going to do neither. At least not now.

I came to a realization this weekend. As I was cleaning up the house. My grandmother came down and was asking me if my mother and stepfather was coming to finish up the floor in the living room. My mom said my stepfather wasn't home from work yet, so I had to wait. Then my grandmother said that one day this week, he came to the house when I was at work and asked her to let him in so he can work on the floor. Yet, she seen come in and out, without any work getting done.

Why would my grandmother let him in the house?!!!!!!

Just in case you guys didn't know, my stepfather has stolen things from me in the past. From money in my sock drawer, to money in my bank account. This has been going on for 2 years now. I would get my money back, but he would continue doing it. I have never had any family problems until my mother married this man. It is one of the reasons why I am living alone now. Yet, this day, my playstation is gone. Again! Why is this happening to! I call my mother and tell her. The things he is stealing from me can be replaced, my mother's thoughts are on her irreplaceable marriage. Why would this man do this? She finally told me that...

He's on drugs

I'm pissed and upset all at once, because I don't know what to do. My mother wants to work this out with him, so I'm reframing from calling the police. She doesn't want me to tell my grandmother, so I'm pissed because I can't do anything... but I love my mother. So right now, I'm letting it go until its resolved. BUT I'M GETTING MY SHIT BACK!

You know what pisses me off more? That he reminds me of my birth father . My father and mother where high school sweethearts, and were planning on getting married. He was in the army and stationed in North Carolina. He was suppose to come home and see my mother on Thanksgiving. She was pregnant with me at the time. He wasn't able to make it, and said he would be there to see her on Christmas. So he came on that Christmas day, and my mother was so excited.

That excitement was crushed when my father said that he couldn't marry her. Why? Because he was already married. Yes, that Thanksgiving he married another woman. Another woman who was having his baby. I am only a few months older then my half sister.

He had another child, and there marriage ended due to his drug addiction. When he was living in New Jersey, he never was in my life. He had another child 3 years ago, and the mother and him are not able to take care of the baby because of there drug addictions. My aunt, who can't have kids, has now adopted him as her son.

Now, my mother and my family is going through this bullshit. Why is this happening to us? Why is this happening to me?

[...sigh]