ME: BEING A MAN ABOUT IT

I'm sorry I haven't been posting lately... a brotha is going through it. There are just unfinished resolutions in my life that I honestly don't know how to handle. I wasn't even going to blog about this, but its hard to blog about how everythings is going fine in your life is, when on the real, it isn't. I am still dealing with my recent break-up with my ex. Yes the same guy that I have been with for the past 2 years. The same guy that broke up with me. The same guy I got back with on my birthday last year. The same guy that didn't get me a present for our anniversary. The same guy that broke up with me again. And yes, the same guy I have been secretly trying to get back with.

For the past couple of months, we have been trying to work it out. He said he has changed, and honestly I have been seeing changes in him. He has been a lot more attentive to me. He has been a lot more romantic. He even was the one to took me to see the Color Purple Musical. He has tried everything in his power to bring us back together. He wanted us to be together... forever.

Forever.

I love him so much. I was his first boyfriend. I was his first... sexually. He was mine as well. I put so much into the relationship, so much energy, so much love, and each time he broke up with me, or he felt he needed a break, it was something that I couldn't change about myself. And what did I do? Accept it and Deal with it. So after the whole LOVE STORY, he comes back to me because a guy he was dating, really hurt him. I consoled him, and we started getting intimate again. I really did miss him.

But was I ready to get back with him? I was already used to being single, and was seeing people, but like I said, I did miss him. I was very hesitent. Would he break my heart again? Would he get over his urge to date other men, I mean I was the only boyfriend he has ever had. So I stopped dating guys, and tried to make it work.

The idea of being with him, one last time, forever... I guess it effected me. The idea of being with him, one last time to break my heart, forever... I guess that effected me too. But could our love carry us through it. So like he says, how can I go from Loving him so hard, to breaking up with him in 2 weeks.

I met a guy.

We met as friends, and he is a really cool guy. He was interested in me, and I do admit, I was interested in him. How could I so easily be attracted to this guy if I have someone I love on the other side? The question has been driving me crazy for the past couple of weeks. Then the idea of being with my ex, one last time, forever or him breaking my heart, effected me more. My attraction for this new guy, and my love for him really got me going crazy...

I can't say that I don't love him, he has been with me for 2 years, and I have been letting him know how much I did... but I never told him about my doubts... maybe I should have, because when I told him a week ago that I couldn't be with him, and that I was seeing someone else, it wouldn't have broken his heart. It still hurts me that I could do this to him.

We have tried talking on the phone, and I tried explaining it to him. He wasn't listening. He has even blogged it about it on his blog... so I thought that maybe, if he reads this, it might help him understand.

I'm sorry. I love you. But right now, I can't be with you. I don't know what the future holds, but right now, I can't say that we will be together in the future. I hope you can understand this. I should have told you about my doubts, and I fucked up on my part. I'm not here to try and make it seem like I'm an Angel, because I'm not, but I'm just being a man about it. I'm being honest with you, and I always was with you. Your important in my life, we have so many shared experiences, and there isn't a day I don't think about you... but my heart can't give anymore. I don't like to bring up the past, but all the times you said you needed a break, or you needed time for you, I NEED THAT FOR ME. With this new guy, or not. My decisoin to end it with you, was not soley on me trying to get with someone else. It just made me realize and think about things that was going on with my feelings.

It is possible to love someone, and not feel like you can be in a relationship with them. The thing that hurts me the most is, I feel like I lost my bestfriend. Yet, this is my time to deal with me, and deal with my own happiness, and maybe my own faults. I couldn't be with you forever, knowing that I still wanted to have attractions for other people, and I couldn't be with you not knowing you got all the experiences you needed to experience. I never meant to break your heart, but always know there is an energy in the universe, where we exist. Even though you may hate me, may feel hurt in my presense, know that our love could never die, because I know GOD will protect that energy.

Pray.

I love you, and I'm sorry.