[adult swim]

Thursday, February 02, 2006

ME: BEING A MAN ABOUT IT



I'm sorry I haven't been posting lately... a brotha is going through it. There are just unfinished resolutions in my life that I honestly don't know how to handle. I wasn't even going to blog about this, but its hard to blog about how everythings is going fine in your life is, when on the real, it isn't. I am still dealing with my recent break-up with my ex. Yes the same guy that I have been with for the past 2 years. The same guy that broke up with me. The same guy I got back with on my birthday last year. The same guy that didn't get me a present for our anniversary. The same guy that broke up with me again. And yes, the same guy I have been secretly trying to get back with.

For the past couple of months, we have been trying to work it out. He said he has changed, and honestly I have been seeing changes in him. He has been a lot more attentive to me. He has been a lot more romantic. He even was the one to took me to see the Color Purple Musical. He has tried everything in his power to bring us back together. He wanted us to be together... forever.

Forever.

I love him so much. I was his first boyfriend. I was his first... sexually. He was mine as well. I put so much into the relationship, so much energy, so much love, and each time he broke up with me, or he felt he needed a break, it was something that I couldn't change about myself. And what did I do? Accept it and Deal with it. So after the whole LOVE STORY, he comes back to me because a guy he was dating, really hurt him. I consoled him, and we started getting intimate again. I really did miss him.

But was I ready to get back with him? I was already used to being single, and was seeing people, but like I said, I did miss him. I was very hesitent. Would he break my heart again? Would he get over his urge to date other men, I mean I was the only boyfriend he has ever had. So I stopped dating guys, and tried to make it work.

The idea of being with him, one last time, forever... I guess it effected me. The idea of being with him, one last time to break my heart, forever... I guess that effected me too. But could our love carry us through it. So like he says, how can I go from Loving him so hard, to breaking up with him in 2 weeks.

I met a guy.

We met as friends, and he is a really cool guy. He was interested in me, and I do admit, I was interested in him. How could I so easily be attracted to this guy if I have someone I love on the other side? The question has been driving me crazy for the past couple of weeks. Then the idea of being with my ex, one last time, forever or him breaking my heart, effected me more. My attraction for this new guy, and my love for him really got me going crazy...

I can't say that I don't love him, he has been with me for 2 years, and I have been letting him know how much I did... but I never told him about my doubts... maybe I should have, because when I told him a week ago that I couldn't be with him, and that I was seeing someone else, it wouldn't have broken his heart. It still hurts me that I could do this to him.

We have tried talking on the phone, and I tried explaining it to him. He wasn't listening. He has even blogged it about it on his blog... so I thought that maybe, if he reads this, it might help him understand.

I'm sorry. I love you. But right now, I can't be with you. I don't know what the future holds, but right now, I can't say that we will be together in the future. I hope you can understand this. I should have told you about my doubts, and I fucked up on my part. I'm not here to try and make it seem like I'm an Angel, because I'm not, but I'm just being a man about it. I'm being honest with you, and I always was with you. Your important in my life, we have so many shared experiences, and there isn't a day I don't think about you... but my heart can't give anymore. I don't like to bring up the past, but all the times you said you needed a break, or you needed time for you, I NEED THAT FOR ME. With this new guy, or not. My decisoin to end it with you, was not soley on me trying to get with someone else. It just made me realize and think about things that was going on with my feelings.

It is possible to love someone, and not feel like you can be in a relationship with them. The thing that hurts me the most is, I feel like I lost my bestfriend. Yet, this is my time to deal with me, and deal with my own happiness, and maybe my own faults. I couldn't be with you forever, knowing that I still wanted to have attractions for other people, and I couldn't be with you not knowing you got all the experiences you needed to experience. I never meant to break your heart, but always know there is an energy in the universe, where we exist. Even though you may hate me, may feel hurt in my presense, know that our love could never die, because I know GOD will protect that energy.

Pray.

I love you, and I'm sorry.

20 Comments:

  • speechless

    i've been there ...

    felt that pain ...

    cried those tears ...

    but, time heals man.

    And, sometimes ... you gotta let it go. Not just sayin' it ... but really believin' that the best is YET to come ... as long as you're believin' that you've had/have the best ... you're never 'really' gonna let it go.

    If indeed you love him ... maybe .. you need to love him enough to let him go!

    By Blogger DizYaBoy, at 5:25 PM  

  • Baby, on a serious note, as someone that has been there, I FEEL YOU.

    I feel your pain. See your tears. Know (to some extent) what you are feeling right now.

    But in the end (as dizyaboy said), time heals everything.

    By Blogger Tim, at 8:03 PM  

  • Love just wouldn't be love

    If in the end

    it didnt just WEAR you the FUCK out...

    crazy man...

    Just crazy....

    By Blogger Quaheem, at 9:04 PM  

  • That was real sincere man and I can definitely relate.

    It only gets better! Keep ya head up.

    By Blogger Soulful Real, at 10:00 PM  

  • It's possible to love someone and not be IN love with them.

    It's possible to really love and care about someone and have interest in other people.

    As selfish as it sounds, you have to do you and make sure you are ok first and foremost.

    We have all been through something simliar and your on the right track.

    It's a painful process (on both sides) to endure but everyday gets better....

    By Blogger Ladynay, at 5:23 AM  

  • Shawn man you have me welling up over here... I can sadly understand each word but I have to agree with dizyaboy when he says "the best is yet to come."

    Dont focus on the end of the relationship focus on the "EXPERIENCE" that you had with this person.

    I dated a Pro NFL Player in DC and that relationship was my first and it killed me emotionally / physically and mentally when it ended because he was not free to be who he wanted to really be....but guess what...I AM STILL HERE...living out my dreams and I look back on it and say Thank You becuase now I know what not to do in my next relationship.

    You an Aries man...you gonna be aight!!!!

    By Blogger antneya, at 6:45 AM  

  • Lord its too early for me to be crying...

    By Blogger Valentino, at 7:56 AM  

  • Shawn...I am going thru this as i type this...and truly the human heart is so much more than most of us give credit to...in times like this the mind is the enemy.. it wants to hold on to things that are "comfortable"...but the heart(spirit) knows everything coming down the road...the spirit taps into the engery from the universe...and nudges us to make the right decisions...but often times we cut the spirit off...cuz of what we think is the best thing for us....hopefully in the end the heart wins out...and the BEST can come on in.

    By Blogger YUSEF, at 8:15 AM  

  • Shawn my little brother...I know it's easier to say to you to "let go"...Letting Go" is a process not a fly by night thing...Just know, it gets better...keep yourself busy and take it one day at a time...when you find yourself falling into that dark place...do what works for me.....CREATE! CREATE SOMETHING! DO SOMETHING THAT You've always wanted to do...DRAW, WRITE (NOT BLOG) But write--*create a short story*...stay at the gym an extra hour...Go get a facial & massage...Spoil yourself...LOVE yourself AGAIN! Once you start loving yourself again...You will know that...It was NOTHING WRONG with you! It's his LOST that you're not in his life anymore!

    :-) (Smile)

    By Blogger W A T E R, at 8:37 AM  

  • my gawd,

    thank you for that, been there man. been there with one guy for four years man!

    its hard, its really hard man!

    u have to determine what you want and what is best for you, your heart and your life!

    take care of your heart man!

    By Blogger *Madosi, at 9:01 AM  

  • I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said, so I'll just add my voice to the chorus of people who say they feel your pain (TRUST ME) and BE ENCOURAGED. I hope we get to talk privately soon.

    Take care of yourself.

    By Blogger Charismatic One, at 2:22 PM  

  • Going through a breakup is so rough. I feel for you because I know how it is. Just reading this makes me feel like crying. But just believe that it does get better. As you can see from the other comments, most of us have been through it.

    You sun will shine again! Keep you head up sweetie!

    By Blogger "N" Search of Ecstasy, at 9:20 PM  

  • As I read this Shawn, I am amazed by your ability to recognize things in your life that mean the most to you. Just this week I was faced with the same revelation.

    So, in the thought of what you have expressed, I am proud of your courage to release your feelings to your mans...

    I had to do the same this week, too bad that it took a couple of drinks and a cell phone to get it across, but we all have to do what we have to do, and I support you 100%, get your life Shawn. One will never know what is out there till he has healthy experianced it.

    Ashe'

    By Blogger The Divo, at 12:56 PM  

  • wow. I guess that best thing is to just be honest and what happens out of the truth is what was supposed to happen.

    Me.

    By Blogger Reg, at 10:42 AM  

  • I've been there my friend...and my prayers go out to you because emotions are very serious things to deal with and emotions can take up so much of your energy for better or worse...time heal all wounds...I know that sounds so cliche but because of the love you had/have for him you are so wise and mature to allow him space so that the both of you can grow

    By Blogger ProfessorGQ, at 1:30 PM  

  • Baby I've been there baby. I am here for you if you ever want to talk holla at me okay

    By Blogger Stone, at 2:32 PM  

  • get some janis, fiona, phyliss and squeeze every cry out of it ... then cut it off, out of sight, out of mind, you cant be there for the person, no late night conversations, etc. it is possible to break-up and do things as if you are still together, or break-up and still be friends -- because if you were still friends you would be boyfriends ....... at the end of the day this is all easier said then done BUT it can be done.

    By Blogger Clay, at 2:51 PM  

  • OH WOW! LOVE hurts so bad! I have been there just last year when I broke up with my bf of 2 years. It depressed me and I totally went on through it. Ive sat up and cried, and wanted to do everything to get him back but I knew the best thing for uS. I too had been there with him and back and forth breaking up and dating. He was the first person I shared unprotected sex with.. The first man I loved! But It was time for him to go! If you love him you will love him for the rest of your life but maybe its time to find you someone else. so give ol boy a try to win you! and do me a favor and dont take everything out on him that that the ex did to you

    By Blogger Ya boy Maurice, at 8:05 AM  

  • Now you got tears welled up in my eyes!

    By Blogger Ya boy Maurice, at 8:06 AM  

  • WOW!!!! I have been away for too long. I see I have missed much...

    Yo Shawn it is cool you found your happiness in your new friend but karma is a bitch. I always think it is bad to get into a relationship with another person while I am in the mist of one myself. For one I have already fucked on my part, but if the new person I am set start dating is bold enough to disrespect my current relationship and cheat with me who is to say they wouldn't do that with someone else on me. That would play in my head too much and ultimately I wouldn't be able to trust them. In kind I really wouldn't expect them to trust me too much since I cheated on my last relationship with them. Its just a fucked up situation all together if you ask me so I wouldn't even get myself caught up in that situation.

    Now don't me wrong I might still kick it with the new person after I break up with my ex but I wouldn't date them. I have been guilty of that. Its true, none of us are perfect.

    By Blogger No4real4real, at 9:05 AM  

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