[myadultswim]

have you ever felt so free?
have you ever felt so liberated?
have you ever let go of all your insecurities?
have you ever released all your inhibitions?
then come with me... and lets get naked.

I have always felt as if I was Clark Kent, trying to be Superman.

Always the nerd trying to prove to everyone, that he to can be just as amazing, attractive, and popular as everyone else. But I am not Superman, I am just Shawn. So I take off my Superman shirt, and my Superman underwear...

...and stand here before you, NAKED,

with all my insecurities hanging between me.

Here is the head of my feelings of not being attractive.

Here is my shaft of inability to express my own confidence.

Here are the balls of my thoughts of being teased, and never feeling special.

This is my dick in all its smallness.

Feel it. Does it feel like yours?

It's Sunday Morning and Fuzzy has already left to go Home, and then to Church. It always feels good to "sleep in" with him, and just lay in the bed. I would just lay next to him, holding him. I would rub my hands on his chest, and go up and down his abs thinking to myself how much he turns me on. I try not think about it, but other body parts tell me otherwise. I just blame it on the morning wood, even though it never is.

He always leaves my house in the morning with a kiss goodbye, and its one of my favorite kisses from him. It is as if his lips are saying, "I will be back, for more of you." but of course that is only overly imagination talking, but it feels good nonetheless.

I wake up a hour later and decide to start getting ready for today.

Today I'm going to the Nude Beach!

Fuzzy has told me about the nude beach before, and I always had the fascination of going. Do people really walk around naked? What if they get hard? What if I get hard? Are they all white people? What if a black mandingo takes off his clothes? Should I look or turn away? Should I even care and act as if no one is nude at all?

These are general questions that were swirling around in my head as I was checking my myspace messages. I really like myspace, because I honestly can meet genuine people that wish to be friends with me. As I was deciding what new photo I wanted to add to my profile, it came out of no where, as it always does.

Was I... Did I, look good enough to go to a Nude Beach? Yeah sure, I am not a bad guy to look at, but the thoughts of that "small lil nerd" inside me was surly come through. I am not perfect, nor is my body. What if the more attractive people looked at me in a strange way. Was I really comfortable enough to show my private parts in front of people I know and didn't know? What about this, what about that, what about... yes my insecurities was coming out and I couldn't stop it. Soon my excitement turned into fear.

I read once that all feelings are sponsored by two emotions Love & Fear.

Why was I choosing fear, right here, right now? Wasn't I over all this. Then, I became embarrassed to even think I could still feel this way. I told Fuzzy about it over instant messenger, but I don't think he really understood what I was feeling.

"Just go out there and do it, don't think about it."

In my head I was thinking, well it may be easy for you, but this is something I been dealing with for awhile. Years even. Just when I thought I had a grapple on it, here it comes again, and I tried to explain it to him without being upset, and without thinking he just didn't care. A part of me just wanted him to just tell me I was gorgeous, and beautiful, and that I would be the best looking guy on that beach... but he didn't, and I didn't expect him to. Why do I need confirmation? Shouldn't I be able to look at myself in the mirror and think I'm beautiful? So I started researching online. How does one obtain Confidence?

Change Your Negative Thoughts. If it comes into your head, Think Again. Remember all the emotions and feelings when you felt the strongest or at your best. Then make it your experience.

Be mindful of your body. Keep your head up & stand up straight. Be confident in your body. Know your strongest attributes and be confident in that.

Speak Positive. Don't just say I'm having a great day at the beach, say I am having a wonderful and absolute amazing day at the beach!

And so I did...

As I got there, with all my friends, there they all were. Men and Women all Naked! White. Black. Hispanic. Gay. Straight. All on the beach, enjoying there nudity. Some taken in the sun. Some playing in the water. Some cruising the beach in search of another. Yet through it all, everyone was comfortable with being naked.

So I did it. Yes, with hesitation, but I became confident. I thought, this was my adult swim. This was me being an adult, celebrating my adulthood. I created this blog because I was scared to swim, much like I was scared to be an adult, but this time I choose not to be afraid. I choose Love. Love of MYSELF. I have been through so much since I became an adult. I have documented most of it, in this very blog. From issues with my family, to getting my own apartment. To not being able to let go with GOD, to having the Holy Ghost in my living room. To wishing I had friends, to having a whole new community to embrace. And to losing love, and finding love again.

For a moment on that beach, I let go.

I felt Free. I felt liberated. I felt no insecurities. I released my inhibitions.

In my confidence I took photos with the one I love. It is amazing how much I have learned and evolved in the short time I have been with Fuzzy. Just the day before I told him I loved him for the very first time, and I truly felt that love as we both posed on the beach naked and just being into one another. This experience was a celebration of my growth as a man. If I could be naked in front of so many people, imagine now what I could do...

[the end...?]