[adult swim]

Sunday, July 30, 2006

WELCOME TO MYADULTSWIM

I want to thank each and EVERYONE OF YOU, for stopping by, not only to read my blog, but journey with me through the last 3 years of this blog! The story has finally come to an end. I am very grateful for this experience, and all it has given me. I am even happier to be apart of "Blogopia", and hope that I had [have] at least a small impact on the "Blogging Experience." I am now an ADULT, doing what I want to do, and taken advantage of life! I just want people to look back on this blog, and hope that it makes you laugh, makes you cry, turns you on, shocks the hell out of you, makes you Jam, makes you reminisce, makes you dream, makes you INSPIRED! Once again, Thank You! This blog may be ending, but Superman Will Return!


SHAWNQT IS BACK...
WITH A BRAND NEW BLOG!









JUST KEEP SWIMMING:
Oh my God, I can't Swim!
VOTE OR DIE!

Contemplating
Bring it ON! Give me the Keys!
GASPING FOR AIR
How High?
I'm FRUSTRATED...
URK-MAN

Death of a Tooth
[myadultswim]


GET TO KNOW ME:
Victory is Mine!
20 THINGS I LOVE!
THE "INTERVIEW"
Seven Whole Thoughts
26 QUESTIONS!
FIRST 10 QUESTIONS ANSWERED!
FINAL 16 QUESTIONS ANSWERED...FINALLY!


FAMILY:
Trippin
Happy Birthday Mom!
FAMILY UN-TIED
FAMILY UN-TIED 2: If it was only that SIM-ple


OWNING SEXUALITY:
By the Power of Gayskull?
MY CONFESSION
HORNY AS HELL

TOMMORROW PEOPLE
GAY PRIDE 2005 PHOTOS
Is Left Right?


THE BLOGGING EXPERIENCE:
THE "INTERVIEW"
THIS JUST IN
Shhhhhh...
COMING SOON!
GASPING FOR AIR
THIS BLOG AIN'T SHIT!
THIS BLOG IS SOMETHING ELSE!
HOW COLD IS HELL?
THE LEGEND OF O...
DO YOUR PARENT KNOW?
Tell Me Something
COUNTDOWN TILL I PARTY DOWN...
STOP HO'ING YOURSELF ON YOUR BLOG!
I FINALLY GOT MY IPOD!
GOT YOU!
POWERBLOG HUNGRY?
OH, WHAT NEW YORK FUN!

GETTING MY FIRST APARTMENT:
One Small Duck. One Deep, Dark Pond.
I LOVE IKEA!
Home: The Extension of Self
Under Construction: Prelude
Under Construction: Chapter 1
Under Construction: Chapter 2
Smack it up, Flip it, Rub it down... Ohhhh Nooo!
Trippin'
PHOENIX RISING HOUSEWARMING!
Excursion De La Maison: Kitchen & Bathroom
Excursion De La Maison: Office & Dining
Sexy Brothas Heating Up the House!

SPIRTUALITY:
TSUNAMI: The Spiritual Ramifications
TSUNAMI: Religious Justification
CELEBRATING THE DAY OF MY BIRTH
WILL I EVER LET GO?
T H E 2 3 R D P S A L M
THIS BLOG IS SOMETHING ELSE!
POWER OF PRAYER
Tell Me Something
Head Above Water

LOVE:
Grow
Grow II: Growing Pains
CELEBRATING THE DAY OF MY BIRTH
Night Out on the Town
Under Construction: Chapter 1
The Boom Boom
LOVE: Episode 1
LOVE: Episode 2
LOVE: Episode 3
LOVE: Episode 4
LOVE: Episode 5
LOVE: The Final Episode
Color Me Purple
MEMORIES
ME: BEING A MAN ABOUT IT
SO SICK OF LOVE SONGS...
Best Weekend!
SWIM
FUZZY'S BIRTHDAY SLUMBER PARTY!
NOMOREADAM4ADAM4ME!
781-382-3756
I finally told you...
[myadultswim]

CREATIVITY:
I Fucked Up!
I am, the Creator
I DO WORK YOU KNOW!
A Brotha got Skills...
Ty's Creative Challenge
URGES
DRAW ON ME...

POETRY:
Grow
Celebrity
The Boom Boom
Take Me Away
Obsession
THIS BLOG IS SOMETHING ELSE!
TOMMORROW PEOPLE
SWIM

FROM THE DESK OF:
My Politics Of Friendship
A Legacy in "some guy's" hands
IT'S LOG!
rashawn
WHY NIKKO, WHY!
I VOTED FOR...
IT'S ABOUT TO BE A WHAT?
The Ghetto Gets Healthy?
To my girl, Lisa
THE NEW TLC?
A Left Eye Moment
Black Eyed Peas Recruit New Member
LRG, Sexy Books, & Puppies
THIS BOOK WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE
Go Idol Go!
THE LAST STAND
[my space]
INSTANT DEF

EVENTS:
Grown & Sexy
HORNY AS HELL
Night Out on the Town
Do I Smell Elephants Outside?
GAY PRIDE 2005 PHOTOS
PHOENIX RISING HOUSEWARMING!
Sexy Brothas Heating Up the House!
BE READY!
MAN OF STEEL'S 26TH BIRTHDAY PARTY
FUZZY'S BIRTHDAY SLUMBER PARTY!
Pinkin' Ain't Easy
THE DC.
OH, WHAT NEW YORK FUN!
[myadultswim]


THE VIDEOS:
WALKING AWAY!
SO SICK OF LOVE SONGS...
JAMMING TO BEYONCE!

LEAVE YOUR FINAL COMMENTS!
[you know how I love comments]


Thank you for your inspiration. Yours was the very FIRST blog I ever read...so thank you for opening me up to the blog world. Be good to yourself Shawn....you deserve it. - Antneya

i'm SOOOO upset... you can't leave us like this... I hope you realize that you're one of the "original" bloggers, lasted 3 years longer than most people. And scrolling through these old posts, we see a lot of growth... But--you can't leave us yet. your journey isn't quite over. - Bougie Black Boy

Wow...u mean it's really over!? NOOOOOOOOO!!!! I hate to read but for some reason was able to read your blog pretty frequently. I'll probably slowly slip into illiteracy now that you're gone. - Coital


Awww man, is it really the end?? I've always enjoyed reading your blog. Your daily offerings did have a way of getting to you by making you laugh, cry, think, or see things in ways you didn't before. -Buddahdesmond

You've been a great inspiration and you have a great heart that surpasses this space. Hopefully you'll comeback... -Trent Jackson

Why is the adult swim over? i am devastated. I am convinced Superman will return! -Charles X

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

[myadultswim]


have you ever felt so free?
have you ever felt so liberated?
have you ever let go of all your insecurities?
have you ever released all your inhibitions?
then come with me... and lets get naked.


I have always felt as if I was Clark Kent, trying to be Superman.
Always the nerd trying to prove to everyone, that he to can be just as amazing, attractive, and popular as everyone else. But I am not Superman, I am just Shawn. So I take off my Superman shirt, and my Superman underwear...
...and stand here before you, NAKED,
with all my insecurities hanging between me.
Here is the head of my feelings of not being attractive.
Here is my shaft of inability to express my own confidence.
Here are the balls of my thoughts of being teased, and never feeling special.
This is my dick in all its smallness.
Feel it. Does it feel like yours?
It's Sunday Morning and Fuzzy has already left to go Home, and then to Church. It always feels good to "sleep in" with him, and just lay in the bed. I would just lay next to him, holding him. I would rub my hands on his chest, and go up and down his abs thinking to myself how much he turns me on. I try not think about it, but other body parts tell me otherwise. I just blame it on the morning wood, even though it never is.
He always leaves my house in the morning with a kiss goodbye, and its one of my favorite kisses from him. It is as if his lips are saying, "I will be back, for more of you." but of course that is only overly imagination talking, but it feels good nonetheless.
I wake up a hour later and decide to start getting ready for today.
Today I'm going to the Nude Beach!
Fuzzy has told me about the nude beach before, and I always had the fascination of going. Do people really walk around naked? What if they get hard? What if I get hard? Are they all white people? What if a black mandingo takes off his clothes? Should I look or turn away? Should I even care and act as if no one is nude at all?
These are general questions that were swirling around in my head as I was checking my myspace messages. I really like myspace, because I honestly can meet genuine people that wish to be friends with me. As I was deciding what new photo I wanted to add to my profile, it came out of no where, as it always does.
Was I... Did I, look good enough to go to a Nude Beach? Yeah sure, I am not a bad guy to look at, but the thoughts of that "small lil nerd" inside me was surly come through. I am not perfect, nor is my body. What if the more attractive people looked at me in a strange way. Was I really comfortable enough to show my private parts in front of people I know and didn't know? What about this, what about that, what about... yes my insecurities was coming out and I couldn't stop it. Soon my excitement turned into fear.
I read once that all feelings are sponsored by two emotions Love & Fear.
Why was I choosing fear, right here, right now? Wasn't I over all this. Then, I became embarrassed to even think I could still feel this way. I told Fuzzy about it over instant messenger, but I don't think he really understood what I was feeling.
"Just go out there and do it, don't think about it."
In my head I was thinking, well it may be easy for you, but this is something I been dealing with for awhile. Years even. Just when I thought I had a grapple on it, here it comes again, and I tried to explain it to him without being upset, and without thinking he just didn't care. A part of me just wanted him to just tell me I was gorgeous, and beautiful, and that I would be the best looking guy on that beach... but he didn't, and I didn't expect him to. Why do I need confirmation? Shouldn't I be able to look at myself in the mirror and think I'm beautiful? So I started researching online. How does one obtain Confidence?
Change Your Negative Thoughts. If it comes into your head, Think Again. Remember all the emotions and feelings when you felt the strongest or at your best. Then make it your experience.
Be mindful of your body. Keep your head up & stand up straight. Be confident in your body. Know your strongest attributes and be confident in that.
Speak Positive. Don't just say I'm having a great day at the beach, say I am having a wonderful and absolute amazing day at the beach!

And so I did...
As I got there, with all my friends, there they all were. Men and Women all Naked! White. Black. Hispanic. Gay. Straight. All on the beach, enjoying there nudity. Some taken in the sun. Some playing in the water. Some cruising the beach in search of another. Yet through it all, everyone was comfortable with being naked.

So I did it. Yes, with hesitation, but I became confident. I thought, this was my adult swim. This was me being an adult, celebrating my adulthood. I created this blog because I was scared to swim, much like I was scared to be an adult, but this time I choose not to be afraid. I choose Love. Love of MYSELF. I have been through so much since I became an adult. I have documented most of it, in this very blog. From issues with my family, to getting my own apartment. To not being able to let go with GOD, to having the Holy Ghost in my living room. To wishing I had friends, to having a whole new community to embrace. And to losing love, and finding love again.

For a moment on that beach, I let go.
I felt Free. I felt liberated. I felt no insecurities. I released my inhibitions.
In my confidence I took photos with the one I love. It is amazing how much I have learned and evolved in the short time I have been with Fuzzy. Just the day before I told him I loved him for the very first time, and I truly felt that love as we both posed on the beach naked and just being into one another. This experience was a celebration of my growth as a man. If I could be naked in front of so many people, imagine now what I could do...






[the end...?]

Monday, July 17, 2006

I finally told you...

...FOR THE FIRST TIME,
THAT I LOVE YOU...

AND I MEANT EVERY WORD.

my fuzzy
[7.15.06]

I just wanted to write this post to remember our moment.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

INSTANT DEF


WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU MIX...
HIP-HOP
A SNICKERS
SUPER HEROS
GRAPHIC DESIGN
AND BLACK EYED PEAS?

INSTANT DEF.COM

Thursday, July 06, 2006

JAMMING TO BEYONCE!


Get this video and more at MySpace.com

So yeah... this is what I do when I want to cheer myself up. Listen to music, and think I'm a superstar! I can't sing though, but I swear I can when I'm by myself. It's fun and relaxing for me though. Besides, Beyonce brings out the "gay faggot" in me. Did you see her on the BET AWARDS perform Deja Vu! I so want to roll all over the floor and dance like I'm Crazy in love! While I was doing the video my friend "L" called me on the phone. Did that stop my flow!
[HIT PAUSE]

We were planning on all going out to eat at BBQ's [again] in Chelsea. It was so much fun, there was about 10 of us! I love hanging out with my friends!
[UN-PAUSE]


CHECK OUT THE POST BELOW
TO GET THE UPDATE TO MY FAMILY ISSUES.

[and leave comments and all that good stuff, make me smile]

FAMILY UN-TIED 2: If it was only that SIM-ple


"HOME"

I first want to thank Soldier, ladynay, Rodney, Kool, Antneya, Double A Ron, Epsilonicus, Ty, Captain, Dancehard, Divo, Omar, Valentino, Unconquerable Soul, Luvin Me, Lj, Fuzzy, Jared, as well as L for the comments and personal conversations on my last post.

I have been reading the comments over and over again, trying to make sense of it all, but I do feel much better, and feel a lot more comfortable. Amazing how you guys really uplift me, blogging is the best thing ever!

What I didn't realize is that most of us are going through the same issues with our own family. The best advice I got was not to think that everything is going to be "perfect." The second thing I realized is I have to be confident in myself, and I am a great person to my family, and they can benefit from who I am, gay, or what ever because I have a lot of love and support to offer. I also realizedthat I have to make an effort, even if I am scared that I may lose a relationship with someone. If they don't want to be close to me, for what ever reason, that is there issue, not mine.

The issue of my father is still a tricky one. I really took Rodney's advice to heart, but making that step to contact him is not something I am comfortable with yet. I don't think because I didn't have a Father figure made me gay, because I have friends that have fathers in there life, and are still gay. I do think that the lack of my father being in my life is one of the factors of why I am was so uncomfortable about being gay.

I want to be a male role model to my cousins... it may not be in the most "macho" sense. I want to inspire them to have hopes and dreams, be creative, enjoy life, and be open-minded to other ways of thinking. That is something I can give them.

I sit here teary-eyed because I really do feel loved, not just from my family, but my friends, and even the people that read my blog. It makes me feel good to be accepted for who I am.

It's not going to be perfect, but I am going to try.

On a Lighter Note, I have added some Family Photos from my Sims 2 Game.
At least here I can create the PERFECT Family.

It all started off with My Mother, and her two children.
My sister "Jazz" & me, ShawnQt!

MY FAMILY LOVES TO JAM: This was Jazzy's Birthday.
Mom was showing us some crazy dance, I don't know!
She always enjoyed dancing with us.

EDUCATING THE YOUTH: Mom would always talk to us about
what was going on in the world, and we would have to
tell her our opinion about it... all while eating Pancakes!

SIBLING RIVALRY: Oh how I love the Nuggie!

ACCEPTING & FREE: In our family being naked isn't an issue,
we are not ashamed of our bodies, we embrace it.

GROWING PAINS: "Oh My Gosh, I have boobies!"

TOILET PHILOSOPHY: I do my best thinking on John!

LETTING IT ALL OUT: What do you get when Gas and Fire is mixed?

WILD CHILD: Pretty in Pink, This was during Jazzy's Punk Phase.

OK TO BE GAY: This is me and my ex-boyfriend. Even though
my Mom was ok with me being open about my sexuality,
she always expressed to me to wear a "jimmy."
Do people say "jimmy" anymore?

A PROUD MOTHER: Jazmine got Accepted to Sims University
to major in Art.

PARENTAL LOVE: Mom married Langston, a good friend from
the neighborhood. He was so intelligent, and great guy all around.
Even though he wasn't my Dad, he really made me feel like a man.

BUN IN THE OVEN: Mom and Langston are expecting...

DOUBLE TROUBLE: ...yet who knew they would be twins!
This is Tyra. She is going to be America's Top Model!

DAD'S BUNDLE OF JOY: This is Tyson, he's going to be American's Top Model 2!

SEEING EYE TO EYE: Although I am comfortable with my sexuality,
I have became very fond of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes. She just had this energy
about her I couldn't resist.
GOD'S BLESSING: She even honored me with a beautiful baby boy named Kanye!


UNCONDITIONAL LOVE: No matter who I am, who I'm with, or what I do, my mother will always have my back! She knows that she raised her son to do great things!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

FAMILY UN-TIED


FAMILY UNTIED: R2L: STEPFATHER, MOTHER, UNCLE, STEP BROTHER

Last Sunday, I had the pleasure of joining Fuzzy at his Family Picnic. I got to meet some of his Family, and even got to join in there annual Volleyball game. It was amazing to be around so many people that enjoy being with one another.

While in amist of all this joy, I was deeply saddened. While I love my Family, I tend to keep a distance from them. It shames me even more that I live walking distance from all my immediate family, and still don't connect with them on a very deeply emotional level. During all our Family events I make my rounds, and move to my own corner to tend to myself. Why?Why can't I become close to them? I wish I could enjoy and appreciate them, but something is holding me back...

I never had my Father in my life. I always acted like it didn't bother me, but it did. It does. He never could come through for me. He never did anything for me. I hardly know anything about him. What's interesting is, I do know that I have the same artistic skill as him, and I EVEN went to the same Arts High School as him. I saw his photo in an old yearbook, and he looked exactly like me at that age. I would love to get to know him, so that I can know myself... but I don't know how. I have no idea how to create a healthy relationship with him. The thought of contacting him brings fear and sadness, and I just run away from the idea. Every man my mother brought into my life was always very uncomfortable for me. None of them ever showed me the unconditional love a Father and Son can have. Even my stepfather never showed me the honor and respect a man deserved. How could you steal from your wife's son? While my Uncle was there, he was always into basketball. I didn't share that connection with him. My Adult male relationships never worked out for me! Is that the reason why I am gay?



MY FAVORITE LADIES: MOM MOM, MOTHER, & SISTER.

I am my MOM MOM's Taquan, lol. That is my middle name. She usually doesn't call me Shawn, she just calls me Taquan. I was my grandmother's favorite, I don't care what anyone says! It always seemed to me that she always invested in me growing into a very well-rounded man. She always stood up for me when my mother hesitated on me doing something. She always had my back, and supported me through EVERYTHING. She always came to my art shows, award ceremonies, ANYTHING! She is truly the backbone of the family.

My Mother and I were role dawgs! For a very long time, it was just me and her. I can't even put into words how much I love and treasure her. She is always on me, but she falls back and lets me do my thing. She was always the cool mom, wanting to be hip, it was funny! I can tell that she misses me now that I am out the house. I was the one who made her laugh and gave her joy when crazy things happened in the house. She always said, "don't leave me alone with these crazy people!" I can I say, she is the best Mom, I love her!

My Baby Sister! My sister is mentally delayed. She was born premature, and she has delayed motor skills, and she isn't able to talk. She is now 13 years old now. To me, she is my angel. I don't think about her disabilities, and admire all that she can do. She has a smile that can light up a room. She is very funny! She gives unconditional love to everyone. Even though she can't talk I know exactly what she is thinking. We have our sibling rivalries, play fight, I torture her just like any big brother would, but I also protect her with all my heart. She gives me comfort when I am with her. She has taught me so much about life you wouldn't even imagine.


FAMILY EVENT: Me drinking Lemonade and Mom Mom taking photos of family.

While I love my Mom Mom, Mother, & Sister, I am not close with anyone else in my family, like I am with them. My Stepfather, Stepbrother, my Uncle, & my cousins. I am not even that close to my brothers and sisters on my Father side, which upsets me as well. As I get older, I begin to feel like I will become like my father, just abandoning everyone I could be close to. I don't want to be like my father!

I'm scared to get close to them because they may find out who I really am. Will they be able to handle me being gay? How will I explain that to my younger cousins? I can't give advise about how to date girls. What if they ask why I don't have a girlfriend. It's just so much to deal with, and I apologize to my family, I'm just really dealing with so much.

I cried at the picnic, after listening to Kanye West's song Family Business. Fuzzy asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell him. I just couldn't. I just held it in. It is really embarrassing to me, and I don't even know where to start, or what to do. I try, and I get scared... and this is a really an issue that I truly don't know how to solve right away.

I guess it starts with realizing the problem. So here I am UN-TIEING the bondages that are keeping me from my family, the only thing I have to do is walk to them, and hopefully they will accept me for who I am.
[shawn]


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